Mission Advice from an Imperfect Former Sister Missionary

      Serving a full-time LDS mission was one of the greatest blessings of my life. I was introduced to some of the greatest people in the world, learned a new language, developed an obsessive love for The Book of Mormon, and drew closer to my Savior than I ever had before in my life. It was such an unreal experience to wake up every day, wear a name tag that carried my name right by the Savior's, and to dedicate all my time and thoughts to inviting others to come unto Christ. My experience as a missionary was absolutely incredible, and the insights I gained came through a variety of ways. Some through the example of others, lots through the scriptures, and too many to count from my mistakes. That insight has greatly shaped the type of person I am trying to become and has taught me so much about my Savior and perfect example, Jesus Christ. So, for those of you preparing to serve missions, (or those trying to be better member missionaries) here is some mission advice from an imperfect former Sister Missionary.

BECOME A "PREACH MY GOSPEL" MISSIONARY.
     I should be hired as the Church's spokes-girl for Preach My Gospel. I LOOOOOOOOVE IT!!!!!! Seriously though, stick to this guy and you'll do incredible things. Daily study of PMG taught me several important lessons. First, as missionaries we are the COMMITTERS not the CONVERTERS. We are there to follow the Spirit and find those who are hungry to learn about the gospel. Once we find them, we teach by the Spirit and then get out of the way so he can do his job. Second, to be a Preach My Gospel Missionary, you've got to be open to what role God has already played or is currently playing in your investigator's lives, then figure out what role He needs you to play. Lessons will need adapting and your original plan will almost always change. Follow the Spirit and teach people, not lessons. Third, to really be a Preach My Gospel Missionary, you have to believe that EVERY investigator is golden. The responsibility as missionaries and members of Christ's church is to help people recognize God's hand in their life and to recognize their own potential. Serve with sincere love for the people you meet and you'll find that teaching is so much simpler.

BE STRICTLY OBEDIENT.
     There are so many ways to be stupid. And we are usually at our most stupid when we forget who we are. When you put that tag on, stay loyal. Your loyalty is first to the Lord, then to the leaders of the church (including your mission president) and then to your companion. You may have a companion who says, "you wont tell, will you?". Remember that you are in companionships to protect each other. If your companion's inappropriate behavior continues even after correction, you need to ask for help from your mission president. That is part of protecting them. Temptations are still out there as a missionary, don't flirt with them.
     You will hear this ALL THE TIME as a missionary: "Obedience brings blessings, exact obedience brings miracles". But it's true. When it's 9:29 and you're right by the apartment after a long day, it's so easy to walk right up to your gate and call it a day. But, I can't tell you how many times that situation played out, and my companion and I contacted one last person and ended up setting up a new lesson or found someone that had been promised in their prayers that we would find them. When I tried to be as obedient as I possibly could, my "confidence waxed strong" that my companion and I would always have the Lord's help. Even though we knew we weren't perfect, we knew our obedience had earned us the sacred privilege of having the Holy Ghost to guide us to the elect. That's such an amazing feeling.

NEVER SPEAK NEGATIVELY ABOUT YOUR COMPANION.
     I was blessed to work with some of the most incredible people you will ever meet. My companions have become life-long friends and their examples taught me so much. Buuuuuut, I had one companion I really struggled with. Our personalities were quite different and we never seemed to get into a smooth teaching rhythm. I let my pride get in the way far too often and those six weeks indeed felt like six weeks....under water. Transfers came around and I was assigned a new area and a new companion.
     I met at the church where we had our transfer meeting and immediately found my MTC buddies. We talked about our transfers, the areas we were in, the success we had, and of course, who are companions were. This is one of my biggest regrets as a missionary. Once given the opportunity, I let my mouth run on and on about my companion. I talked about how irrational and difficult she was to work with and that it was the looooongest transfer of my mission. I went on and on, somehow thinking humor justified the mean things I was saying. Well, the meeting started, President announced our new companions and areas, and we were on our way. While getting my luggage to head out with my new companion, I saw one of the Sisters I had been "venting" to before the meeting started. She looked worried and made eye contact with me. I walked over and she disappointingly said, "I have your old companion." I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Here I was, thinking I was just cracking a few jokes, but really I had started off this Sister's new transfer quite negatively. Because my former area was 8 hours away, this Sister hadn't even met my old companion yet. I told her things would be okay, but at that point, I had already done the damage. I always looked at new transfers as opportunities to start over and improve. But there I was, not even giving my former companion a chance.
     It's something I sincerely repented of for a long time, because I genuinely felt quite awful about it. I did get to see my former companion later on in my mission and apologize to her for ever having hurt her feelings, but I wonder how difficult I made her companionships because I chose to speak negatively of her.
      Big takeaway here, never speak negatively of your companion, even if you feel justified in doing so. If you need advise on how to work better with someone, take it to the Lord. During a later scripture study one morning, I had this thought come to my mind that shaped how I worked with all my other companions:

 "Is what your companion is doing keeping her from being a good missionary? If so, you have a responsibility to speak up and help her change. If what she's doing, however, does not keep her from being a good and obedient missionary, it is your responsibility to turn inward, practice humility, patience and Christ-like love."

LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THE SPIRIT.
     Another lesson learned from Preach My Gospel, it is impossible to successfully bring anyone to Christ without using the Spirit. There were so many experiences on my mission where words far beyond my own wisdom and insight came into my mind and out of my mouth. The Spirit simply makes you smarter which makes the work a lot easier. Just like learning a foreign language, understanding the language of the Spirit takes study and lots of practice.

REPENT OFTEN AND BE HUMBLE.
     You will make lots of mistakes all the time. Get comfortable repenting, and make sure you do it right. Getting in this habit was a little difficult in the beginning for me. It made me feel like I was never going to measure up to who I was representing. Once I got pointing out all the ways I wasn't like the Savior, I realized I would need to repent and work on myself every day for the rest of my life to even make a dent. But, repenting really strengthened my testimony of the Atonement and my relationship with God. Plus it was really awesome to see progress that I was making and how He was helping me change. (Enabling powers of the Atonement for the win!) I noticed a big change too in how I treated my companions. The Savior is so patient and easily forgiving of our downfalls, and yet, sometimes we can be the harshest judges of others. I started to look at my companions differently and on numerous occasions had the thought, "treat everyone like they are doing the best they can."

LOVE THE PEOPLE.
      This part's easy. If you do it right, it will be 1,000,000x harder to come home than it ever was to leave home.

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
     When I was in my first area in Chile, I quickly realized that I don't handle stressful situations very well. Seriously though, I had acne up the wazoo. I learned that the gift of tongues is not something that instantly comes after a week of studying but was going to require months of patience, faith, and a lot of hard work. I distinctly remember one morning when I was getting ready for the day. I had just taken a cold shower (that first apartment was AWESOME.), gotten dressed and was sitting on the cold tile floor before scripture study. Being overly dramatic, I had decided a week into my mission that I was doomed and would never learn the language. (Just call me Lemuel.) I got on my knees, prepared to tell God my awesome plan to either somehow break my leg and get sent home or convince my mission president that I'd been inspired to be transferred to a state-side English-speaking mission. But once my knees hit the tile, I was overcome with an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father. I had been knocked to the ground in humility and it was one of the biggest blessings of my entire mission. So many incredible teaching moments from the Spirit came when my knees hit the floor humbly asking for help. I didn't break my leg, I stayed in the country and I did learn Spanish. The Lord also comforted me when investigators rejected my companion and I, celebrated with us when we watched our investigators come out of the baptismal font in white, and wept with me when it was time to leave my beloved Chileans. All these tender mercies started with a humble prayer.

"YOU WERE NEVER CALLED TO FAIL."
     Before I left for the MTC, I asked my parents to write me letters in my journal. (Not to toot my own horn, but this was the best idea ever.) This was such a blessing to be able to pull out their words anytime I needed a little encouragement. My mom wrote something that gave me so much comfort when times were hard: "You were never called to fail." My dad wrote, "When times are tough, always picture your third companion, the Savior, standing next to you. He is who you are serving, and He has your back." (Parental win, am I right?) Being a missionary, or even simply being a member of the Church can sometimes be such a daunting calling. But we were never called to fail. Our mission as Latter-Day Saints is to ensure our own salvation and then show the world what a blessing it is to live the gospel. The Savior will be by our side, mourning, celebrating, laughing, crying, and rejoicing with us every step of the way.

     Serving a mission is unlike any other adventure in life. The highs are the highest you've ever experienced, and the lows are likely the lowest you've ever experienced. When times are hard, remember all the people who love you and are praying for you. I have never attended a temple session where missionaries aren't prayed for. Remember how much the Lord has trusted you with and how much the Church supports and loves you. Enjoy those spiritual highs. They are some of the sweetest experiences the gospel has to offer and you get a front row seat to all of it! Enjoy every moment and return with honor.

Drinking the Bitter Cup Without Becoming Bitter

 I love pizza. Pizza is LIFE. Chris and I must have pizza on our menu at least once a week. It's a nice little tradition we have going. When it comes time to ordering the pizza, or deciding which kind we are going to buy at the store, we always come to the same road block. Chris likes pepperonis. I do not. Every time as we sit down to eat dinner, I pick off my pepperonis and pass them onto Chris' plate. He happily takes the extra pepperonis and I am left with my perfect plain cheese slice.

      When Chris and I were first married, one of our favorite things to do was attend Institute together. We had a favorite teacher, Brother Monson, who could make the entire room laugh uncontrollably, and then almost instantly blow us away with a wave of spiritual insight. He had such a way with words, he left everyone feeling better about themselves, and inspired us so deeply to try harder and to make our Heavenly Father proud of the lives we were living. He truly taught with the Spirit.

      One day in class, we were talking about the Atonement, the monumental sacrifice of both body and Spirit of our Savior Jesus Christ. I can't count how many lessons throughout my life that I have had on this topic, but this one stands alone for me. Brother Monson began by reading the well known verse in Luke 22.

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done." 

         He then taught us that the "bitter cup" comes from a tradition among the Hebrews, one used commonly during great feasts. While members of the feast were dining, a bitter cup or goblet was placed in the center of the table. As guests drank their wine, bitter seeds would sink to the bottom of their glasses. Because of the bitter taste of the seeds, guests would pour them into the goblet in the center of the table, so that it would not affect the flavor of their wine. This added new meaning to the 3 Nephi 11:11 for me:

"And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning."

       Christ suffered immeasurable discomfort, pain, emotional and physical crisis, and heartbreak so that we would never be alone and so we would stand a fighting chance at getting back home to our eternal family. He willingly took those extra pepperonis and that goblet from the center of the table and ate/drank it all, so that we wouldn't have to. Through this selfless act of love and obedience towards the Father and towards us as His brothers and sisters, we can become clean and prepare ourselves to worthily walk back into His presence and be reunited with our Father. "Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives: I KNOW that my Redeemer lives!" Though this sacrifice overcame adversity and death as permanent conditions, it did not remove those experiences from mortality. In a very small way, mortality calls us all, to at one point or another, take a small sip from the bitter cup.

       It's no secret that Chris and I want kids. It's something we have wanted since the beginning of our marriage and have worked hard towards. However, this frequently advertised blessing in our church has not come easy for us. We've sought guidance and comfort through prayer, fasting and repentance, and medical attention through specialists and professional treatment. It has been our small dose of taking a taste from the bitter cup. However, something I have learned over the past few months is that if we are not careful, drinking from the bitter cup will make US bitter, and more distinct and unfamiliar to our Heavenly Father.

       Last weekend I sat in a sacrament meeting where a beautiful baby girl was being blessed. Little Mia is perfect. And as I watched my brother in law, Aaron and his beautiful wife, Tiffany testify of forever families and answered prayers, my heart started to break. It's not that I wasn't happy for them, because I was. There are no two people on this Earth that are more deserving of an eternal family. They have waited for years, trusted in the Lord, and they finally received their miracle. But as I sat in the congregation, I felt my heart grow bitter. Not bitter towards them, and not even bitterness towards my Heavenly Father for giving Chris and I this particular trial, but a bitterness that I think targeted towards the whole gospel experience a little bit. I grew upset that this was God's plan for me. Isn't His plan called the plan of happiness? Ironic, because I really wasn't feeling too happy. A potent thought came to my mind as we sang the final hymn of the meeting: "Krissy, the point of drinking the bitter cup is not to become bitter."

       When someone hopes and prays and fasts and puts all of their energy into obtaining the faith to receive a certain blessing, it can become extremely troublesome to see others collect those blessings with what seems to be little to no effort. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of saying, "Why is she more deserving of that blessing than I am?" or "He isn't as active as I am, and doesn't hold a calling like I do, how is it that God trusts him with that blessing that I want, but not me?" This distorted thinking makes tasting the bitter cup even more burdensome. 

        I have found myself on multiple occasions complaining to Chris about our circumstances and how unfair it is that others seem to be given the opportunity to become parents. I have said things like, "We've been married longer than they have!" or "We both have graduated, we've got good jobs and benefits, aren't we fit to become parents?" or "She's way younger than I am, she's batting out of order, shouldn't I get to be pregnant first!?". As silly as it all sounds, it's the way I have genuinely felt. I have immaturely felt cheated in mortality, like I have done all that God has asked, and it hasn't gotten me the one righteous blessing I am urged in every General Conference to seek. I have prayed verbally asking Heavenly Father, "Have I missed something? Did I fail? What else do you need be to do to prove to you that I can do this? That I want this?" I've become bitter towards the gospel experience that includes God having His timing for individualized plans for each of His children. I've become bitter that the plan God has for some of His other children isn't the plan He has for me. But, just like everything else in the Gospel, Jesus Christ is the Master teacher and can help us rectify our feelings of uneasiness and take away the bitter sting we feel in adversity. 

1. Seek a Testimony of Obedience

      I have found that sipping from the bitter cup is much easier if you have a concrete testimony of the principle of obedience. In most of my prayers recently, I have been requesting additional insight and energy to want to obey, to want to go through something uncomfortable. When Chris and I were walking out of that Sacrament meeting last week, I shared with him what I had learned. I told him, "I learned that I need to drink the bitter cup without becoming bitter. The point of the gospel is to help us become strong enough that we can willingly drink from that cup because we know it's the best possible thing we could do for ourselves...but I'm not there yet." Alma 32 teaches us that if we have even a small desire to believe, that is enough. Obedience and faith go hand in hand. Having faith and being obedient don't mean that we aren't nervous or that we don't struggle. But it means we are willing to push forward, having faith in things we can't yet see. Even Christ, who was perfect in every capacity asked if there was an easier way. With His perfect faith, He pressed forward and drank the bitter cup willingly, a blessing that has enriched us all. 

"If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that. Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

2. Do not shrink

       Recently, my former Young Women's leader (who I have the absolute highest respect and admiration for) sent me a talk from Elder Bednar, "That We Might Not Shrink"  based on the scripture found in D&C 19:18:

 "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—"

         Elder Bednar shares a personal experience he had while speaking with Elder Neil A. Maxwell about his battle with Leukemia.

"During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

       When we are faced with adversity, the most important thing we do is remain faithful to our Heavenly Father and the covenants we have made. Not shrinking in the face of adversity comes when we build our foundation on Christ, which is always a solid foundation. (Helaman 5:12)

3. Remember that all blessings come

       We are taught through the scriptures and from latter-day leaders to remain persistent, full of faith and to always trust in the Lord. But can we all agree that sometimes it is SO stinking hard to stay patient and confident when you don't know if the blessing is ever even going to come!? I have found a lot of comfort in my patriarchal blessing and attending the temple. They are both amazingly powerful reminders that this life is such a small stage in our eternal progression. If the blessings I want aren't mine in this life, they will be mine in the next life.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

4. Never Forget God's Perfect Love for You

        He hasn't forgotten you or misplaced the blueprint for your life. Everything is playing out perfectly, the way HE has designed it. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that we actually aren't the one's who know what's best for us. There is someone else who knows our likes and our dislikes, our weaknesses and our strengths, and He wants nothing more than to bless us infinitely with the things that will make us happy. I feel lucky that the bitterness I have felt has never been targeted towards my Heavenly Father. I have such an immovable and unshaking testimony that He loves me and is doing what He knows is best for me. I may not know exactly why He blesses me with certain experiences or the exact lessons He wants me to learn, but I know it's always motivated by His perfect love for me. The blessings given and the blessings withheld in our mortal journey are all demonstrations of God's love.

       

     Stay strong, people! We got this. Drinking the bitter cup and eating the extra pepperonis of this life isn't ever easy. But you remember, you aren't alone. The Lord loves you infinitely and trusts you so deeply. You were sent to Earth at this time because He had all confidence that you would succeed. It was never in your eternal plan to fail. I love you, Jesus loves you, everyone loves you! 

Keep the faith.

                        --Krissy

Infertility: Turning Trials into Blessings

       I've debated for a long time whether or not to write a post about our experience with infertility. I don't want this post to turn into a "poor me" or into an open invitation of comments from others expressing their sympathy for me. Even though it has been the most challenging experience of my life, I want it to be abundantly clear that this trial has turned into a blessing. It has been an experience that has taught me greater compassion, to choose my words carefully, and to heavily wait upon the Lord through endless tearful nights. It definitely took me a long time to recognize this trial as a blessing, but it has made me more like my Savior. How could it be anything but a blessing?
       When I was 17, I received my patriarchal blessing. It was an experience I fasted and prayed about for a long time. I really did my best to be worthy of the blessings I would be promised and strived to have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion to deserve those blessings and promises. It was a spiritual highlight of my life and I loved being able to share that special experience with my wonderful parents. As we sat in Patriarch Buchanan's home, he laid his hands on my head and a wave of love from my Heavenly Father filled the room. I was so taken back by the sensitivity to the Spirit that Patriarch Buchanan had. He paused frequently to listen, and then spoke with a certainty that those were the catered and personalized words of wisdom Heavenly Father reserved for me. Towards the end of my blessing, he made a powerful statement: "You will enjoy being a mother; it will be the highlight of your life." At the time, I didn't fully appreciate this promise. I thought, "Yuck. Changing diapers and breast feeding is as good as it's going to get for me!? That's disappointing." I'm grateful that God is a master heart surgeon. He changed my perspective through the next few years and gave me a burning desire to be a mother. Throughout my mission, I often had experiences that brought thoughts to my mind like, "I will need to teach my kids this" or, "I want my kids to know that I know this is true". Countless experiences helped me to realize how sacred and honorable being a mother is.
       Shortly after Chris and I were married, (One week to be exact), I had a distinct impression that we needed to start our family. This was one of those times I really just wanted to laugh out loud and see the look on God's face as I say "You're kidding, right?" I put it off for a few days, really not wanting to scare off my husband of one week. But the Spirit was persistent and I could tell this was important. I spoke to Chris about what I had been feeling and we took our questions to the temple. We prayed and fasted to know if this was really what God wanted for us and had beautiful, personalized revelation while performing proxy work in the temple. Our questions had been answered in an undeniable way. On the car ride home, we discussed the faith we would need to have to take the next step. I was so grateful that night for a loving husband who was so willing to follow the Lord and exercise that faith in Him and in me.

       After receiving such a powerful answer, we expected our family to grow instantly and with very little effort. We waited anxiously every month to take a test and see those little lines appear. Month after month, those stupid little lines never came. We started praying and fasting more, thinking maybe that God wanted us to prove our faith. But nothing came. We went to the temple, repented, prayed for guidance, served faithfully in numerous callings, and still, nothing changed. We met with various doctors, were prescribed Chlomid, Famara, took progesterone suppositories, trigger shots, etc. It seemed like nothing was going to "fix" our problem. After over a year of heartache, prayers, a PCOS diagnosis, and a sinking bank account, I was ready to put my arms in the air and say, "I'm done."
        One night as I knelt to pray, I was trying to express gratitude for the day's blessings. That day was particularly difficult, and my limited mortal mind couldn't seem to find any blessings that had demonstrated God's love for me or my husband. Out of pure frustration and heartache, I looked up and said, "Isn't your favorite thing being a dad?! Isn't your work and glory to have your kids doing well and to be a good parent!? Why wont you let me do the same!? Why can't that be MY work and glory too!?" Unless you have personally experienced the desire the be a parent and have actively tried, only to be unsuccessful, you can never understand the heart-wrenching pain associated with it. That night, Chris and I fell asleep crying into each other's arms, like we had many nights before, and wondered what God needed us to learn or change in order to show Him we could be parents.
        For a long time, everything made our trial worse. A simple check-in to social media turned into feelings of anger and jealousy over every pregnancy announcement, or month to month baby photo. A careless "why aren't you two having kids yet!?" was enough to send me to the bathroom in tears. Even seeing complete strangers in public with their kids was enough to turn a good day into a very somber one. It seemed like every co-worker was expecting, and even though I tried to be sincerely happy for them at work, I would come home and completely fall apart or take it out on my sweet husband. Mother's Day this year was hard. Testimonies were given with statements like "I'm so blessed that God trusted me enough to become a mother." I heard things like that and misinterpreted them completely: "I guess God doesn't trust me." Any conversation at work or with friends that even touched the topic of pregnancy or kids made me quiet and upset. I was angry with all of them and internally begged for more compassion. But it was unfair of me, I was oversensitive, and they had no idea.
       I can't say that I have gotten to the point, or that I ever expect to enjoy infertility. It's been such a difficult hurdle, but there are several things that have made our burden light.

#1. Chruch Service
       One of the biggest blessings throughout this trial has been the distraction of our church callings. We feel lucky that we have gotten to know so many wonderful people and have so many experiences because of church service. Two callings in particular have brought us clarity and a sense of fulfillment. As the Sunday School teachers for all the youth in our ward, we have become "parents" in a way. We have thoroughly enjoyed attending choir and dance concerts, cello recitals, track meets, watching them get mission calls, and more to watch "our kids" progress and do amazing things. They have made me feel like a mother in so many ways. The second calling has been our assignment to serve as ordinance workers in the Provo Temple. What a wonderful opportunity it has been to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and to be humbled by the wonderful patrons who serve in the temple every week. It has given our lives purpose and taught us that we can build the kingdom in more ways than just parenthood. It's a calling we could never have had if we'd had children immediately.
#2. Scripture Study
       I've grown to love my homegirl Rebecca from the Old Testament. It's amazing that these historical stories can penetrate a latter-day heart so deeply. Countless scriptures have spoken directly to my mind on a difficult day and provided much needed comfort. I once heard someone say, "If you want to talk to God, pray. If you want Him to talk to you, read your scriptures."
#3. Focusing on My Marriage
        There aren't a lot of things related to fertility that are in our control, but turning to the things we DO have control over has been extremely helpful. Chris and I made a goal that in the time we have before becoming parents, no matter how long or short that may be, we are going to have the best marriage we possibly can. We have committed a lot more effort to strengthening our relationship by having companionship inventory, setting spiritual and temporal goals, having frequent date nights, and having more meaningful conversations about how we can be better. This entire process has brought us closer together and I love the relationship that we have now. We are consistently getting better and I know we will be better parents because of it.
#4. Support System
        I am BEYOND grateful for the people who have noticed our struggle and gone out of their way to help us. Y'all know who you are. There have been difficult days that I am just more sensitive than others, and then suddenly I will get a text from someone just checking in, someone will just give me a hug, or let me know they are thinking of me. YOU BLESSED SOULS. THANK YOU. I've heard several friends say, "I just don't know what to say when I hear a friend or family member is struggling with this." Some of the BEST and most comforting things people have told us are "We are praying for you", "I put your names on the prayer role", "If you ever need anything, we are here", and "Want me to bring you some Oreos?". I appreciate so much the people who follow the Spirit and are willing to be an answer to my prayers.
#5. Meaningful and Sincere Prayer
       This one has come easy to me. I like to speak my mind, and I think sometimes Heavenly Father just sits up there and laughs at how dramatic I can be. But speaking openly and honestly about how I feel every day has really brought me relief. Some days, I am tough and handle my trial like a boss. And I let my Heavenly Father know that. Other days, I turn into the 12-year old version of myself watching Charly for the first time. These prayers are sometimes completely non-verbal. But they have been some of the most impacting. Sometimes, when I can't even utter a single word to Him, He still manages to give me the exact personalized blessing I came requesting. And on the nights I am certain He isn't there or that He isn't listening, He quickly corrects me and completely encircles me with His love.
#6. Letting Myself Cry
        For a long time I had the mindset "Well, her situation is so much worse. She's been waiting longer than I have! I shouldn't complain." But, you know what, a trial is a trial. Just because our trials are different doesn't mean they don't all hurt. I took a long time to being okay with myself having a little pity party every now and again. Comparison is damaging, no matter what its form. Those nights where Chris or I have cried our way through our companionship prayers have usually been the ones that have brought us closest. They end by us holding each other close and falling asleep with a hope that tomorrow will be a little better. I've learned to let myself cry but to quickly rebound and see the abundant blessings in my life.

        I don't know when Heavenly Father will let me be a mama. Chris is going to be the most amazing father and I am so eager to watch him. So, for a while longer, we wait. Our trial is making us better, so for that alone, it is a blessing. Our hearts go out to other couples going through this. We recognize whole-heartedly that our circumstance is not even close to as bad as it could be, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hope our story inspires others who are going through the same thing to never give up and to know that your lives hold purpose as long as you are engaged in the work of the Lord. May we all be a little more sensitive to the known and unknown trials of those who surround us. Let us be more compassionate and full of charity. Above all, let us know that even if God doesn't give us exactly what we want, He is still good.

Whom the Lord Loveth He Correcteth

       Almost always throughout my life, I have looked at trials, hurdles, and correction as a lack of love from God. I am quick to get on my knees, shake my fist, and ask purely out of frustration "Why, if God loves His children so much, is He breaking my heart? Why is He pushing me so hard?" This week the spirit slammed an obvious response into my mind and my heart. I love the simplicity of the gospel. No matter how old I get or how much additional gospel knowledge I obtain, the spirit always seems to teach me the most basic principles I learned and sang about as a Primary child.
       I remember an experience I had on my mission that helped me understand exactly how God might feel while giving His children trials and correction. I had a companion who I dearly loved. (I never really had one I didn't.) She came at a time I really needed her and she helped me in so many aspects of missionary life. We had an awesome relationship and it really made teaching so effortless. We were just about to start our second transfer together when I noticed that she was doing something disobedient. It wasn't anything serious or anything that really interfered with our work, but I knew it was against mission rules. I debated for days whether or not I should say anything. We had such a great friendship, she had taught me so much, and I was a newer missionary. Who was I to correct her? More than anything, I really didn't want to undo the friendship we had and cause friction in our companionship. I prayed about it every day and the spirit gave me some of the best mission advice I have ever received.

"If what your companion is doing keeps her from being an obedient and worthy missionary, you have a sacred duty to lovingly correct her. If what she is doing does NOT keep her from being an obedient and worthy missionary, you have a sacred duty to practice patience and the love of Christ, and you are the one who needs to change." 

        Oh. My. Lanta. Seriously, some of the best spiritual advice I have ever gotten. And it blessed so many of my companionships. I decided that I needed to tell this companion how I was feeling. I practiced how I would say it, prayed about it, and waited for a good time to bring up the issue. Well. It did NOT go well. She was upset, her feelings were hurt and it really did not have the effect on our companionship that I thought it would. The next few days were full of tension, long quiet walks, and very little support in lessons. I felt terrible. I started regretting even bringing up the issue. I am a bit of a people-pleaser and I HATE contention. I felt bad that I had caused this tension in our companionship and knew that we had 5 long weeks ahead of us left in the transfer. There were multiple times I almost retreated only to tell her it wasn't that big of a deal and that I was sorry. But the spirit always stopped me. Which I really hated. I wanted the tension to go away and for our friendship to come right back. A few days later, we talked about it again. This time, both of our hearts were softened and we were both willing to change. We talked about how I could help her to be obedient and she offered some correction to me on how I could also improve. We had a successful final transfer together and our relationship improved overall because we worked out the issue.

        This experience has helped me to look through God's eyes about how He feels giving trials to His children. His work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (Moses 1:39). All His work is centered around helping His children become like He is and eventually give us all He has. The trials and heartaches of this life are given to us, not as a punishment for failure to live the gospel perfectly, but rather as a demonstration of God's love. A scripture I came to love on my mission is spoken by the apostle Paul:

"Whom the Lord loveth, He correcteth." Proverbs 3:12

        Too often I fail to understand that the Lord is giving me these bumps in the road because He absolutely loves and cherishes me as His daughter. Trials are some of the most evident examples of His love and awareness for His children. Giving a trial to those living in mortality says "I love you so much, that I am going to break, push, and challenge you to be better. I am going to risk our relationship taking a U-turn because I want you to grow and reach your ultimate potential. You may be angry with me, doubt my motives, and even question whether or not I am present. But this trial will help you become what you need to be in order to find eternal happiness. I love you that much."
        Because we are all mortally-minded, we often can't see the big picture while we are facing difficult times. This week I thought about all those times I've knelt to pray, only to tell God how upset I am with Him and what He's allowed me to go through. I have dragged my feet bitterly and questioned why He would push me so hard if He really loved me. I thought about my mission and how difficult it was to correct my companion. I was sad to see her distance herself from me. I loved her immensely and just wanted her to be the best missionary she could be. When she would respond negatively towards me I felt terrible and just wanted her to know that I corrected her because I knew she could be better. I loved her and wanted her to find happiness in knowing she was being an obedient missionary. That experience gave me a very small glance into how God might feel as He allows those trials to come into our lives. All He wants is for me to understand that He corrected, broke, and pushed me because He sincerely loves me and wants me to be better. He wants me to find satisfaction and happiness in knowing I am fulfilling His plan for me. He wants me to learn vital lessons and principles that will shape me into the woman I need to be in order to prepare myself for eternal life. Love is not just simply present while trials are given, rather love is ALWAYS His motive. The primary lesson learned this week is that God loves His children. Such an obvious doctrine, but I love that the spirit can teach it over and over again and have such a uniquely different and powerful impact every time.
       I am grateful for trials and moments that have stretched me. I am grateful for the heart surgery God is constantly performing on me to help me change. I know that correction, missed opportunities, heartache, and rejection prepare us to become more like the Savior. I know the love of God never departs from any of His children, especially during the storms of life. Can I get an amen?

Pornography: The Accessible, the Affordable, and the Anonymous

       My freshman year of college was one of the happiest times of my life. I made some incredible friends and I will always look back on my time at Dixie with a flood of happy memories. The first Valentine's Day as a college student for me was spent with my roommates, some of the best girls I know. We happened to all be totally working the single life that year and decided to make it a girl's night. We went to Pizza Factory where we totally indulged ourselves in proper sized personal pizzas and endless breadsticks. It was great because when you're dating, you never eat as much as you really want to because you don't want your guy or gal to think you're a total pig. So you keep things low key. Since we were all beyond single, there was no holding back and it was a great dinner. Then we headed to the movie theater where we somehow decided seeing a Nicholas Sparks movie was the best option. On Valentine's Day? What were we thinking? What reminds you better that you're single than a movie theater completely full of cuddling couples as Nicholas Sparks shoves unrealistic, immediate, and passionate love into your brain? Anyone who has ever seen a Nicholas Sparks movie knows the cycle. Boy meets girl, they don't get along, something brings them together, they fall in love, a problem arises to test their new love, problem gets resolved, couple stays in love, end credits. Sorry if I just blew the plot to his next movie. As we sat in the theater, the movie worked up to a climatic and romantic "scene". Yep, one of those scenes you tell people, "Oh there's just one part you'll need to fast forward through, other than that, it's a great movie!" We all sat there as active and good church girls. We dressed modestly, went to church every week, we didn't swear or drink, and we certainly weren't immoral. But we all stayed in our seats uncomfortably and didn't say anything. The scene wrapped up, the movie ended and we headed home.
       As I have worked on various projects the past few weeks for school, I have come back to this experience several times. I've thought a lot about what that experience, and many others similar to it, have done to me and how they've changed my perception on relationships and intimacy. More than ever, it's important that we recognize what is and what isn't pornography, what it can do to our current and future relationships, and how to overcome or support those trying to get out of that world.

Redefining Pornography: What it is and what it isn't
       I think one of the most difficult things families find in realizing a loved one has developed a sexual addiction is the rapidness of it all. It seems as though an addiction has flourished abruptly and completely without warning. The truth is that most of us are exposed to some form of pornography on a daily basis without realizing, or perhaps without wanting to admit that that's exactly what it is. When I was in that movie theater I didn't see anything, the actors were covered to a certain point and I was never exposed to any kind of nudity. So, to many, that would not meet the criteria for pornography. However, I knew exactly what was happening in that scene. It triggered certain emotions and thoughts that I knew weren't appropriate and for weeks I couldn't stop replaying that scene in my mind. Pornography has the ability to create lasting images in the mind that are not easily erased. And so frequently with those inappropriate thoughts come actions step by step leading us closer to the "quicksand" world of sexual addiction.

"Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food. With a few fatal exceptions, bad food will only make you sick but do no permanent harm. In contrast, a person who feasts upon filthy stories or pornographic or erotic pictures and literature records them in this marvelous retrieval system we call a brain. The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Pornography", April 2005 

       It's funny because when we see a movie like that and recommend it to a friend we never say, "Oh, it's a great movie! There's just one small pornographic scene is all!" If we said that, we might really turn a few heads. Instead we just call it a "scene", a "bad part", and advise people to just cover their eyes or skip to the next part. Why is it that we have such a problem calling it what it is? It is pornography. While there are certainly various levels of pornography ranging from extremely soft to intense hardcore, all pornography is pornography. The sooner we can tell ourselves that, the better equip we will be to defend ourselves against the adversary's many tactics to lead us down that road.

       By definition "pornography" is "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." Too often we make the mistake of limiting the definition of pornography to images and videos on websites often searched for late at night. The Church's Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts pamphlet (amazing resource, check it out here!) spells out a few more areas that it can be found. "Pornography depicts or describes the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It may be found in written material including romance novels, photographs, movies, electronic images, video games, Internet chat rooms, erotic telephone conversations, music, or any other medium. It is a tool of the adversary."
       When my dad was the Young Men's president in our ward he worked closely with the bishop to help young men and women understand an important lesson. If fishing is a hobby of yours, you will understand the term "chumming". Chumming is the the practice of luring fish by throwing chum into the water. Chum is bait consisting of fish parts, bone and blood, which attract fish. They used this example frequently to demonstrate an analogy for the way the youth dress. "When you young women dress immodestly, you are chumming for the inappropriate attention of young men." The same can be said for young men who dress inappropriately or insist on having their shirt off for various activities that can easily be performed with it on (Eh hem, Matthew McConaughey). Any attire that attracts inappropriate attention can be classified as walking soft-core pornography. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's a bit of a stretch, and boys/girls just need to learn to control themselves and their thoughts. You know, it's not a stretch if you understand the work of the adversary. He works step by step, adding a little more to the pile every time. Usually if he can get an individual to do something marginal in one area of church standards, he can get them in other areas as well. I frequently heard my dad while I was in young women's reminding all of the youth to avoid chumming. (The YM even had t-shirts made.) Without even realizing it at the time, it taught me that I had a sacred responsibility to keep myself clean on the outside and the inside to keep myself and others protected from pornography.
       So, let's recap. Pornography is anything that arouses sexual feelings, whether it's a Nicholas Sparks movie or an immodestly dressed man or woman and everything between and beyond.

The Subtlety of the Adversary
       Pornography, like the adversary himself, comes in many different forms and disguises, never admitting what it really is or what its primary role and purpose is. Can you imagine if Satan walked right on up and said, "Well hey there Brother so and so, I'm just checking in quick. Looks like you just got back from the temple. Well, I'm going to put this commercial in your path today that will have a beautiful young woman dressed in a revealing bathing suit. My purpose is to get you thinking about a few immoral things and eventually get you hooked on some type of sexual compulsivity." Yeah right. Satan unfortunately is not an idiot and has mastered what he does. He's sneaky, subtle, and is a master manipulator.

" For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."

(2 Nephi 28:20-22)

       Satan wants us comfortable and relaxed and unfortunately, his success rates are pretty high and always on the rise. Just like we wont be given a WARNING alert before a commercial comes on with a model inappropriately dressed (chumming), Satan will not announce his presence or his purposes in deceiving us. For that reason, a constant and daily nourishment of the scriptures is absolutely vital in educating us on his many strategies. And in contrast, the scriptures will teach us the things of the Spirit, which are contrary to everything Satan is a part of. If we understand and seek the presence of the Spirit, we will never question what source "those scenes" or other soft-core/hardcore  pornography comes from. 

       I remember one of my first weeks in my singles ward in St. George when my bishop stood and gave a powerful talk on the dangers of pornography. He said there were three main reasons pornography was so tempting; the 3 A's. Pornography is Affordable, Accessible, and Anonymous. Much of pornography accessed through the internet is free allowing for limitless downloads and searches. With internet accessibility, video, audio, and visual searches are virtually endless. And perhaps the most inviting reason, it's completely anonymous and can be done in absolute secrecy. When an individual carries a different type of addiction such as smoking or drinking, the smell of the cigarette or alcohol can linger on their clothing or their breath. An addiction to pornography, masturbation, voyeurism, or any other sexual compulsivity for that matter, can be done behind closed doors where no one will know. And that aspect there, the very reason Satan said it would be okay, is where he gets us yet again.

Quicksand

“Pornography brings a vicious wake of immorality, broken homes, and broken lives. Pornography will sap spiritual strength to endure. Pornography is much like quicksand. You can become so easily trapped and overcome as soon as you step into it that you do not realize the severe danger. Most likely you will need assistance to get out of the quicksand of pornography. But how much better it is never to step into it.” 

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,“Press On,” November. 2004

       In Patrick Carnes' book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (another amazing resource!) he explains the 4-step cycle of sexual addiction: 1. Preoccupation, 2. Ritual, 3. Sexual Behavior, and 4. Despair.

       These four steps become a habitual routine, making them difficult to change or abandon. Preoccupation describes the constant fantasying of the things a person has seen or done in regards to sexual conduct. The thoughts never seem to leave one's mind, and hours can be wasted day dreaming about images or videos seen months prior. The ritual stage include the actions that lead to the sexual behavior. For many, this involves turning on the computer, closing the door, waiting until everyone is asleep and then spending countless hours clicking away. The act alone of turning on the monitor becomes arousing to the addict, knowing what is only a few moments away. The sexual behavior is the actual process of seeing new images, videos, reading material, etc., often accompanied with masturbation or other sexual practices. What is so interesting to me is the fourth step that always comes back after doing something you truly believe will make you feel good. Despair comes time and time again and leaves the individual feeling shameful and embarrassed for what they've done. (Alma 41:3) They are left alone in their hatred for what they have done, feeling like they are quietly destroying their families and everything that is important to them. Carnes calls pornography the "athlete's foot of the mind, always begging to be itched and promising relief, but never being fully satisfied." Usually this despair ends with a commitment that this was the last time, but that pledge is almost always overridden by the beginning stages of the cycle where it begins all over again. 

"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."

Elder Jefferey R. Holland, "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", April 2010

       Many pornography-users will argue that because it is done in privacy and solitude, it does not affect nor hurt anyone else. However, what happens in that locked office changes the individual. He/She suddenly becomes demanding, cruel and impatient. Just as quickly as the addiction began, priorities will change and relationships will be destroyed. President Hinckley often spoke of letters he received from both men and women sharing the heartache that entered their relationships as a result of sexual addiction.

“Dear President Hinckley,
“My husband of 35 years died recently. … He had visited with our good bishop as quickly as he could after his most recent surgery. Then he came to me on that same evening to tell me he had been addicted to pornography. He needed me to forgive him [before he died]. He further said that he had grown tired of living a double life. [He had served in many important] Church callings while knowing [at the same time] that he was in the grips of this ‘other master.’
“I was stunned, hurt, felt betrayed and violated. I could not promise him forgiveness at that moment but pleaded for time. … I was able to review my married life [and how] pornography had … put a stranglehold on our marriage from early on. We had only been married a couple of months when he brought home a [pornographic] magazine. I locked him out of the car because I was so hurt and angry. …
“For many years in our marriage … he was most cruel in many of his demands. I was never good enough for him. … I felt incredibly beaten down at that time to a point of deep depression. … I know now that I was being compared to the latest ‘porn queen.’ …
“We went to counseling one time and … my husband proceeded to rip me apart with his criticism and disdain of me. …
“I could not even get into the car with him after that but walked around the town … for hours, contemplating suicide. [I thought,] ‘Why go on if this is all that my “eternal companion” feels for me?’
“I did go on, but zipped a protective shield around myself. I existed for other reasons than my husband and found joy in my children, in projects and accomplishments that I could do totally on my own. …
“After his ‘deathbed confession’ and [after taking time] to search through my life, I [said] to him, ‘Don’t you know what you have done?’ … I told him I had brought a pure heart into our marriage, kept it pure during that marriage, and intended to keep it pure ever after. Why could he not do the same for me? All I ever wanted was to feel cherished and treated with the smallest of pleasantries … instead of being treated like some kind of chattel. …
“I am now left to grieve not only for his being gone but also for a relationship that could have been [beautiful, but was not]. …
“Please warn the brethren and sisters. Pornography is not some titillating feast for the eyes that gives a momentary rush of excitement. [Rather] it has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most.”

       Pornography highjacks your virtue and your ability to choose, destroys the family and pollutes the Spirit. It hurts the people we care about very most and takes absolutely no responsibility for it.

Prevention and Redemption: Overcoming Sexual Addiction through the Atonement

       The best way to overcome pornography and its addictive companions is to never engage in the behavior to begin with. Don't use the excuse that it is everywhere and difficult to avoid. President Hinckley reminds us that weather is difficult to avoid as well, but that doesn't mean we walk out in the rain with shorts and sandals on.  We dress accordingly to shield ourselves. Protect yourself. Stand in holy places and be not moved. Commit to stay clean and never put yourself in a situation where you are likely to give in to temptation. Don't surround yourself with temptation and expect to overcome sin. Get that computer out of a closed-door office and get it in an open space. Talk about pornography with your family and make sure it's not a taboo topic. Ask questions to leaders and parents, don't take your curiosity to the Internet. Stay close to the Savior, serve others, and indulge yourself in the word of God. "..the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else.." Alma 31:5 Prevention is always the best option.
       We are a church that preaches 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 100th chances and opportunities to change. The Atonement is accessible 24 hours a day, 375 days a year. While it is always better to never become involved with the sin in the first place, God understood in the beginning that His children would give in to temptation and would make mistakes. The Atonement was performed to pull those struggling with addiction out and relieve them from their shame and powerlessness.
       Getting out of something so dangerous like this will take a lot more than just reading your scriptures and praying more. It's a real job that takes time, considerable effort, and help outside yourself. Just like any other mistake, it takes significant humility to admit you have a problem or that you have shortcomings. Coming to admit your mistakes to yourself, your family, a loving bishop and your Father in Heaven are some of the most difficult steps of overcoming an addiction or habit to pornography. But the good news of the gospel is that there is an antidote. There is nothing that cannot be made right through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Nothing. 

"I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning. “Come boldly [to] the throne of grace,” and fall at the feet of the Holy One of Israel. Come and feast “without money and without price” at the table of the Lord."

Elder Jeffry R. Holland, "Laborers in the Vineyard", October 2015

       If you have found yourself stuck in this rut, I plead with you to seek help from those who care so much about you and only want your happiness and success. I remind you that while the repentance process will be lengthy and painful, there is someone who has already descended below all things and He will be there with you every step of the way. For those whose family members or friends find themselves struggling with sexual addiction, be patient and be kind. As disciples of Christ, it is never our job to judge or act harshly, but to exercise unconditional love and an outpouring of support. 

       May we all be on our guard, knowing that Satan is truly well-educated and stands ready to attack in any situation. Don't be afraid to call pornography what it is, and be sure you're not it. In all situations, be kind. And may we never forget that the arms of the Savior are always extended, ready to welcome you back. 

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear: Our Sappy Love Story

       "Do you know what your Father in Heaven expects of you now that you've completed your mission?" I rambled off a few of what I thought were the obvious answers; continue to be a missionary, go to the temple, continue studying the scriptures? "Hermana Nichols, God expects you to ensure your salvation, and the way you do that is by making covenants. Isn't there a covenant you still haven't made?" My mission president was never one for beating around the bush. My final interview with President Kahnlein was one of the highlights of my mission. It felt like an extension of my patriarchal blessing and, like every other experience throughout my mission, it taught me how aware the Lord was of me as His daughter.
       Rewinding back 18 months, I never thought President Kahnlein would be pointing me back in Chris' direction. Chris had returned home from Brazil during the Summer where we quickly realized single life wasn't really our thing. Date nights became more frequent and it became more and more difficult to spend time away from each other. We finally came around to the topic of marriage and decided to fast and pray separately to see whether or not that was the direction the Lord wanted us to head toward. I fasted into Sunday, trying to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I remember praying about Chris and a line from my patriarchal blessing came running through my mind. Paraphrasing, it says that I should select a companion who loves the Lord. It's simple but it came powerfully to my mind. I knew Chris loved his Heavenly Father and that living the gospel was his top priority. So in my mind, that was my answer. A few days later Chris and I talked about our fasts. While I was confident in my answer and the direction we were going, Chris felt differently. He felt like the answer he received was telling him that now wasn't the right time. We ended up breaking up and I was in complete shock. I started questioning whether or not I really understood how to receive revelation and over analyzing the peace I felt when I prayed about Chris. I couldn't understand why we received two different answers leading us in opposite directions.
       After drowning my sorrows in Dr. Pepper and Oreos for a couple weeks, I continued praying to know what God wanted from me. I asked Him what I needed to do with my life and I what I needed to change. The answer came only a few days later.

 "I am pleased to announce that worthy able young women may now begin their missionary service at age 19..We welcome your service."

       In a matter of seconds my life changed completely. I started seriously praying about whether or not I should go. I wanted to, but not just because I wasn't getting married. I wanted to serve because I knew what a mission meant to my dad and my brother. I saw what an impact it made on both of them and the love they developed for their areas of service and the people they were with. I wanted that. Most of all, I wanted to help people change. I prayed and again received a distinct thought from the Spirit; "If you serve, you have to be okay with letting Chris go." I thought a lot about that. I knew there was a good chance Chris would be married and well moved on by the time I got home, and I had to know that if I was going to serve the Lord, I needed to leave all other personal things at home. I submitted my papers, knowing that maybe Chris and I just weren't supposed to be together. He came to my farewell, told me good luck and hugged me goodbye. As I watched him walk away (this is so dramatic, I know.) I wondered where he would be 18 months from then. 

       I reported to the MTC three days later and became completely obsessed with my mission. I embraced the culture, the people were incredibly easy to love, and I was completely focused on the Lord's work. It was exactly how I wanted to spend my mission. Almost at my year mark, I was in Agua Santa with one of my dearest companions Hermana Nunez. We spent three transfers together (almost five months) and grew incredibly close. During a p-day as we were writing our families, a familiar name popped into my inbox. After almost a year of silence, Chris checked in. On the verge of screaming/running around the internet cafe, Hermana Nunez and I copied and pasted the email into Google translator so she could understand what the letter said. Of course, Google is never accurate and the letter didn't make any sense. I finally translated every line back to my companion and we squealed through the entire thing. Without saying a lot, I knew Chris was still there and that he valued our friendship.

       Weekly letters were such a blessing and I loved gaining insights from his experiences. Letters were always centered on the work, his callings, my investigators, and how we were trying to improve that week. He definitely held me accountable to trying to change and applying new gospel principles. He was helping me be better, which is exactly why I was so drawn to him in the beginning. Before we knew it, 18 months was up and it was time for me to go home.

       I knew that Chris was home and that some big and important decisions needed to be made. I started remembering his prompting from the spirit to wait, and wondered if my answer I received almost two years earlier could still have been right. As I walked into President's office, I had a lot on my mind. After finally admitting that I knew the Lord expected me to go and find a husband when I got home, President taught me a vital principle. I told him all about Chris and our history. I told him I thought I loved him and that he very well could be the man that takes me to the temple. But I also said I did NOT want to be "that girl" who gets married virtually immediately after coming home. I wanted to take things slow. President Kahnlein has a funny way of dealing with stubborn personalities. "Hermana Nichols, do you know what it means to do things in the Lord's time?" "Sure," I said. "It means we need to be patient and wait on His timeline." "Well, that's half of it. Let's see if I can explain it in a way you'll understand. How many times did you invite investigators to be baptized on the first lesson?" I told him that it happened every day. When the Spirit prompts you to invite someone to follow Jesus Christ, it is really difficult to ignore. "And how did you feel when the investigator said no to that invitation?" It was really hard. I hated seeing people turn down the opportunity to follow their Savior, especially when the Spirit was prompting them to move forward. "Hermana Nichols, the Lord is hastening His work. Often, the Lord needs us to act and move forward promptly and quickly. Doing things in the Lord's time means we wait when He tells us to wait, and to act when He tells us to act. Do you understand?" I started to catch on. "If the Lord prompts you through the Spirit to marry Chris and you retreat, that is a form of disobedience. Hasn't your mission taught you to be obedient, especially to the promptings of the Holy Ghost?" Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the power and wisdom of President Kahnlein. 

       I went home with a lot of determination to figure out what direction Chris and I needed to take, and those answers came quick. I started to remember my patriarchal blessing advising me to find someone who loves the Lord. Chris and I talked a lot about how difficult it was to accept the answer to simply wait. He said it was a prompting he really didn't understand until he was prompted again by the Spirit (and his sweet mama) to write me. I started to see clearly that Chris loved me then, but He loved the Lord more. He wanted to do what was right, and that meant waiting. Seeing Chris and his willingness to do the Lord's will, no matter what it required, showed me that he truly loved Him. We were engaged a month after I returned home and sealed four months later in the Salt Lake City Temple.

       There's a scripture in the New Testament in first John that says "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18) When I saw how much Chris loved the Lord, I wasn't nervous about taking those significant steps anymore. It took my fear away. I remember the stake president asking Chris if he loved me more than anyone else and Chris promptly said "Nope!" (Ouch...) He was quick to add, "But she's a close second." I love that Chris loves God more than he loves me. It's the way it should be. The perfect love we have for the Lord has made our marriage a sacred experience and has made difficult decisions a lot easier. As we've continued trying to put our faith in the Savior and the plan He's outlined for our lives, we have never been led to anything short of a downpour of blessings. Here's to eternity!