As I have worked on various projects the past few weeks for school, I have come back to this experience several times. I've thought a lot about what that experience, and many others similar to it, have done to me and how they've changed my perception on relationships and intimacy. More than ever, it's important that we recognize what is and what isn't pornography, what it can do to our current and future relationships, and how to overcome or support those trying to get out of that world.
Redefining Pornography: What it is and what it isn't
I think one of the most difficult things families find in realizing a loved one has developed a sexual addiction is the rapidness of it all. It seems as though an addiction has flourished abruptly and completely without warning. The truth is that most of us are exposed to some form of pornography on a daily basis without realizing, or perhaps without wanting to admit that that's exactly what it is. When I was in that movie theater I didn't see anything, the actors were covered to a certain point and I was never exposed to any kind of nudity. So, to many, that would not meet the criteria for pornography. However, I knew exactly what was happening in that scene. It triggered certain emotions and thoughts that I knew weren't appropriate and for weeks I couldn't stop replaying that scene in my mind. Pornography has the ability to create lasting images in the mind that are not easily erased. And so frequently with those inappropriate thoughts come actions step by step leading us closer to the "quicksand" world of sexual addiction.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Pornography", April 2005
It's funny because when we see a movie like that and recommend it to a friend we never say, "Oh, it's a great movie! There's just one small pornographic scene is all!" If we said that, we might really turn a few heads. Instead we just call it a "scene", a "bad part", and advise people to just cover their eyes or skip to the next part. Why is it that we have such a problem calling it what it is? It is pornography. While there are certainly various levels of pornography ranging from extremely soft to intense hardcore, all pornography is pornography. The sooner we can tell ourselves that, the better equip we will be to defend ourselves against the adversary's many tactics to lead us down that road.
When my dad was the Young Men's president in our ward he worked closely with the bishop to help young men and women understand an important lesson. If fishing is a hobby of yours, you will understand the term "chumming". Chumming is the the practice of luring fish by throwing chum into the water. Chum is bait consisting of fish parts, bone and blood, which attract fish. They used this example frequently to demonstrate an analogy for the way the youth dress. "When you young women dress immodestly, you are chumming for the inappropriate attention of young men." The same can be said for young men who dress inappropriately or insist on having their shirt off for various activities that can easily be performed with it on (Eh hem, Matthew McConaughey). Any attire that attracts inappropriate attention can be classified as walking soft-core pornography. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's a bit of a stretch, and boys/girls just need to learn to control themselves and their thoughts. You know, it's not a stretch if you understand the work of the adversary. He works step by step, adding a little more to the pile every time. Usually if he can get an individual to do something marginal in one area of church standards, he can get them in other areas as well. I frequently heard my dad while I was in young women's reminding all of the youth to avoid chumming. (The YM even had t-shirts made.) Without even realizing it at the time, it taught me that I had a sacred responsibility to keep myself clean on the outside and the inside to keep myself and others protected from pornography.So, let's recap. Pornography is anything that arouses sexual feelings, whether it's a Nicholas Sparks movie or an immodestly dressed man or woman and everything between and beyond.
The Subtlety of the Adversary
Pornography, like the adversary himself, comes in many different forms and disguises, never admitting what it really is or what its primary role and purpose is. Can you imagine if Satan walked right on up and said, "Well hey there Brother so and so, I'm just checking in quick. Looks like you just got back from the temple. Well, I'm going to put this commercial in your path today that will have a beautiful young woman dressed in a revealing bathing suit. My purpose is to get you thinking about a few immoral things and eventually get you hooked on some type of sexual compulsivity." Yeah right. Satan unfortunately is not an idiot and has mastered what he does. He's sneaky, subtle, and is a master manipulator.
" For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.
And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.
And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."
(2 Nephi 28:20-22)
Satan wants us comfortable and relaxed and unfortunately, his success rates are pretty high and always on the rise. Just like we wont be given a WARNING alert before a commercial comes on with a model inappropriately dressed (chumming), Satan will not announce his presence or his purposes in deceiving us. For that reason, a constant and daily nourishment of the scriptures is absolutely vital in educating us on his many strategies. And in contrast, the scriptures will teach us the things of the Spirit, which are contrary to everything Satan is a part of. If we understand and seek the presence of the Spirit, we will never question what source "those scenes" or other soft-core/hardcore pornography comes from.
I remember one of my first weeks in my singles ward in St. George when my bishop stood and gave a powerful talk on the dangers of pornography. He said there were three main reasons pornography was so tempting; the 3 A's. Pornography is Affordable, Accessible, and Anonymous. Much of pornography accessed through the internet is free allowing for limitless downloads and searches. With internet accessibility, video, audio, and visual searches are virtually endless. And perhaps the most inviting reason, it's completely anonymous and can be done in absolute secrecy. When an individual carries a different type of addiction such as smoking or drinking, the smell of the cigarette or alcohol can linger on their clothing or their breath. An addiction to pornography, masturbation, voyeurism, or any other sexual compulsivity for that matter, can be done behind closed doors where no one will know. And that aspect there, the very reason Satan said it would be okay, is where he gets us yet again.
Quicksand
“Pornography brings a vicious wake of immorality, broken homes, and broken lives. Pornography will sap spiritual strength to endure. Pornography is much like quicksand. You can become so easily trapped and overcome as soon as you step into it that you do not realize the severe danger. Most likely you will need assistance to get out of the quicksand of pornography. But how much better it is never to step into it.”
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,“Press On,” November. 2004
In Patrick Carnes' book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (another amazing resource!) he explains the 4-step cycle of sexual addiction: 1. Preoccupation, 2. Ritual, 3. Sexual Behavior, and 4. Despair.
These four steps become a habitual routine, making them difficult to change or abandon. Preoccupation describes the constant fantasying of the things a person has seen or done in regards to sexual conduct. The thoughts never seem to leave one's mind, and hours can be wasted day dreaming about images or videos seen months prior. The ritual stage include the actions that lead to the sexual behavior. For many, this involves turning on the computer, closing the door, waiting until everyone is asleep and then spending countless hours clicking away. The act alone of turning on the monitor becomes arousing to the addict, knowing what is only a few moments away. The sexual behavior is the actual process of seeing new images, videos, reading material, etc., often accompanied with masturbation or other sexual practices. What is so interesting to me is the fourth step that always comes back after doing something you truly believe will make you feel good. Despair comes time and time again and leaves the individual feeling shameful and embarrassed for what they've done. (Alma 41:3) They are left alone in their hatred for what they have done, feeling like they are quietly destroying their families and everything that is important to them. Carnes calls pornography the "athlete's foot of the mind, always begging to be itched and promising relief, but never being fully satisfied." Usually this despair ends with a commitment that this was the last time, but that pledge is almost always overridden by the beginning stages of the cycle where it begins all over again.
"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."
Elder Jefferey R. Holland, "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", April 2010
Many pornography-users will argue that because it is done in privacy and solitude, it does not affect nor hurt anyone else. However, what happens in that locked office changes the individual. He/She suddenly becomes demanding, cruel and impatient. Just as quickly as the addiction began, priorities will change and relationships will be destroyed. President Hinckley often spoke of letters he received from both men and women sharing the heartache that entered their relationships as a result of sexual addiction.
“Dear President Hinckley,
“My husband of 35 years died recently. … He had visited with our good bishop as quickly as he could after his most recent surgery. Then he came to me on that same evening to tell me he had been addicted to pornography. He needed me to forgive him [before he died]. He further said that he had grown tired of living a double life. [He had served in many important] Church callings while knowing [at the same time] that he was in the grips of this ‘other master.’
“I was stunned, hurt, felt betrayed and violated. I could not promise him forgiveness at that moment but pleaded for time. … I was able to review my married life [and how] pornography had … put a stranglehold on our marriage from early on. We had only been married a couple of months when he brought home a [pornographic] magazine. I locked him out of the car because I was so hurt and angry. …
“For many years in our marriage … he was most cruel in many of his demands. I was never good enough for him. … I felt incredibly beaten down at that time to a point of deep depression. … I know now that I was being compared to the latest ‘porn queen.’ …
“We went to counseling one time and … my husband proceeded to rip me apart with his criticism and disdain of me. …
“I could not even get into the car with him after that but walked around the town … for hours, contemplating suicide. [I thought,] ‘Why go on if this is all that my “eternal companion” feels for me?’
“I did go on, but zipped a protective shield around myself. I existed for other reasons than my husband and found joy in my children, in projects and accomplishments that I could do totally on my own. …
“After his ‘deathbed confession’ and [after taking time] to search through my life, I [said] to him, ‘Don’t you know what you have done?’ … I told him I had brought a pure heart into our marriage, kept it pure during that marriage, and intended to keep it pure ever after. Why could he not do the same for me? All I ever wanted was to feel cherished and treated with the smallest of pleasantries … instead of being treated like some kind of chattel. …
“I am now left to grieve not only for his being gone but also for a relationship that could have been [beautiful, but was not]. …
“Please warn the brethren and sisters. Pornography is not some titillating feast for the eyes that gives a momentary rush of excitement. [Rather] it has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most.”
Pornography highjacks your virtue and your ability to choose, destroys the family and pollutes the Spirit. It hurts the people we care about very most and takes absolutely no responsibility for it.
Prevention and Redemption: Overcoming Sexual Addiction through the Atonement
The best way to overcome pornography and its addictive companions is to never engage in the behavior to begin with. Don't use the excuse that it is everywhere and difficult to avoid. President Hinckley reminds us that weather is difficult to avoid as well, but that doesn't mean we walk out in the rain with shorts and sandals on. We dress accordingly to shield ourselves. Protect yourself. Stand in holy places and be not moved. Commit to stay clean and never put yourself in a situation where you are likely to give in to temptation. Don't surround yourself with temptation and expect to overcome sin. Get that computer out of a closed-door office and get it in an open space. Talk about pornography with your family and make sure it's not a taboo topic. Ask questions to leaders and parents, don't take your curiosity to the Internet. Stay close to the Savior, serve others, and indulge yourself in the word of God. "..the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else.." Alma 31:5 Prevention is always the best option.
We are a church that preaches 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 100th chances and opportunities to change. The Atonement is accessible 24 hours a day, 375 days a year. While it is always better to never become involved with the sin in the first place, God understood in the beginning that His children would give in to temptation and would make mistakes. The Atonement was performed to pull those struggling with addiction out and relieve them from their shame and powerlessness.
Getting out of something so dangerous like this will take a lot more than just reading your scriptures and praying more. It's a real job that takes time, considerable effort, and help outside yourself. Just like any other mistake, it takes significant humility to admit you have a problem or that you have shortcomings. Coming to admit your mistakes to yourself, your family, a loving bishop and your Father in Heaven are some of the most difficult steps of overcoming an addiction or habit to pornography. But the good news of the gospel is that there is an antidote. There is nothing that cannot be made right through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Nothing.
We are a church that preaches 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 100th chances and opportunities to change. The Atonement is accessible 24 hours a day, 375 days a year. While it is always better to never become involved with the sin in the first place, God understood in the beginning that His children would give in to temptation and would make mistakes. The Atonement was performed to pull those struggling with addiction out and relieve them from their shame and powerlessness.
Getting out of something so dangerous like this will take a lot more than just reading your scriptures and praying more. It's a real job that takes time, considerable effort, and help outside yourself. Just like any other mistake, it takes significant humility to admit you have a problem or that you have shortcomings. Coming to admit your mistakes to yourself, your family, a loving bishop and your Father in Heaven are some of the most difficult steps of overcoming an addiction or habit to pornography. But the good news of the gospel is that there is an antidote. There is nothing that cannot be made right through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Nothing.
"I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.
Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning. “Come boldly [to] the throne of grace,” and fall at the feet of the Holy One of Israel. Come and feast “without money and without price” at the table of the Lord."
Elder Jeffry R. Holland, "Laborers in the Vineyard", October 2015
If you have found yourself stuck in this rut, I plead with you to seek help from those who care so much about you and only want your happiness and success. I remind you that while the repentance process will be lengthy and painful, there is someone who has already descended below all things and He will be there with you every step of the way. For those whose family members or friends find themselves struggling with sexual addiction, be patient and be kind. As disciples of Christ, it is never our job to judge or act harshly, but to exercise unconditional love and an outpouring of support.
May we all be on our guard, knowing that Satan is truly well-educated and stands ready to attack in any situation. Don't be afraid to call pornography what it is, and be sure you're not it. In all situations, be kind. And may we never forget that the arms of the Savior are always extended, ready to welcome you back.
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