Mission Advice from an Imperfect Former Sister Missionary

      Serving a full-time LDS mission was one of the greatest blessings of my life. I was introduced to some of the greatest people in the world, learned a new language, developed an obsessive love for The Book of Mormon, and drew closer to my Savior than I ever had before in my life. It was such an unreal experience to wake up every day, wear a name tag that carried my name right by the Savior's, and to dedicate all my time and thoughts to inviting others to come unto Christ. My experience as a missionary was absolutely incredible, and the insights I gained came through a variety of ways. Some through the example of others, lots through the scriptures, and too many to count from my mistakes. That insight has greatly shaped the type of person I am trying to become and has taught me so much about my Savior and perfect example, Jesus Christ. So, for those of you preparing to serve missions, (or those trying to be better member missionaries) here is some mission advice from an imperfect former Sister Missionary.

BECOME A "PREACH MY GOSPEL" MISSIONARY.
     I should be hired as the Church's spokes-girl for Preach My Gospel. I LOOOOOOOOVE IT!!!!!! Seriously though, stick to this guy and you'll do incredible things. Daily study of PMG taught me several important lessons. First, as missionaries we are the COMMITTERS not the CONVERTERS. We are there to follow the Spirit and find those who are hungry to learn about the gospel. Once we find them, we teach by the Spirit and then get out of the way so he can do his job. Second, to be a Preach My Gospel Missionary, you've got to be open to what role God has already played or is currently playing in your investigator's lives, then figure out what role He needs you to play. Lessons will need adapting and your original plan will almost always change. Follow the Spirit and teach people, not lessons. Third, to really be a Preach My Gospel Missionary, you have to believe that EVERY investigator is golden. The responsibility as missionaries and members of Christ's church is to help people recognize God's hand in their life and to recognize their own potential. Serve with sincere love for the people you meet and you'll find that teaching is so much simpler.

BE STRICTLY OBEDIENT.
     There are so many ways to be stupid. And we are usually at our most stupid when we forget who we are. When you put that tag on, stay loyal. Your loyalty is first to the Lord, then to the leaders of the church (including your mission president) and then to your companion. You may have a companion who says, "you wont tell, will you?". Remember that you are in companionships to protect each other. If your companion's inappropriate behavior continues even after correction, you need to ask for help from your mission president. That is part of protecting them. Temptations are still out there as a missionary, don't flirt with them.
     You will hear this ALL THE TIME as a missionary: "Obedience brings blessings, exact obedience brings miracles". But it's true. When it's 9:29 and you're right by the apartment after a long day, it's so easy to walk right up to your gate and call it a day. But, I can't tell you how many times that situation played out, and my companion and I contacted one last person and ended up setting up a new lesson or found someone that had been promised in their prayers that we would find them. When I tried to be as obedient as I possibly could, my "confidence waxed strong" that my companion and I would always have the Lord's help. Even though we knew we weren't perfect, we knew our obedience had earned us the sacred privilege of having the Holy Ghost to guide us to the elect. That's such an amazing feeling.

NEVER SPEAK NEGATIVELY ABOUT YOUR COMPANION.
     I was blessed to work with some of the most incredible people you will ever meet. My companions have become life-long friends and their examples taught me so much. Buuuuuut, I had one companion I really struggled with. Our personalities were quite different and we never seemed to get into a smooth teaching rhythm. I let my pride get in the way far too often and those six weeks indeed felt like six weeks....under water. Transfers came around and I was assigned a new area and a new companion.
     I met at the church where we had our transfer meeting and immediately found my MTC buddies. We talked about our transfers, the areas we were in, the success we had, and of course, who are companions were. This is one of my biggest regrets as a missionary. Once given the opportunity, I let my mouth run on and on about my companion. I talked about how irrational and difficult she was to work with and that it was the looooongest transfer of my mission. I went on and on, somehow thinking humor justified the mean things I was saying. Well, the meeting started, President announced our new companions and areas, and we were on our way. While getting my luggage to head out with my new companion, I saw one of the Sisters I had been "venting" to before the meeting started. She looked worried and made eye contact with me. I walked over and she disappointingly said, "I have your old companion." I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Here I was, thinking I was just cracking a few jokes, but really I had started off this Sister's new transfer quite negatively. Because my former area was 8 hours away, this Sister hadn't even met my old companion yet. I told her things would be okay, but at that point, I had already done the damage. I always looked at new transfers as opportunities to start over and improve. But there I was, not even giving my former companion a chance.
     It's something I sincerely repented of for a long time, because I genuinely felt quite awful about it. I did get to see my former companion later on in my mission and apologize to her for ever having hurt her feelings, but I wonder how difficult I made her companionships because I chose to speak negatively of her.
      Big takeaway here, never speak negatively of your companion, even if you feel justified in doing so. If you need advise on how to work better with someone, take it to the Lord. During a later scripture study one morning, I had this thought come to my mind that shaped how I worked with all my other companions:

 "Is what your companion is doing keeping her from being a good missionary? If so, you have a responsibility to speak up and help her change. If what she's doing, however, does not keep her from being a good and obedient missionary, it is your responsibility to turn inward, practice humility, patience and Christ-like love."

LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THE SPIRIT.
     Another lesson learned from Preach My Gospel, it is impossible to successfully bring anyone to Christ without using the Spirit. There were so many experiences on my mission where words far beyond my own wisdom and insight came into my mind and out of my mouth. The Spirit simply makes you smarter which makes the work a lot easier. Just like learning a foreign language, understanding the language of the Spirit takes study and lots of practice.

REPENT OFTEN AND BE HUMBLE.
     You will make lots of mistakes all the time. Get comfortable repenting, and make sure you do it right. Getting in this habit was a little difficult in the beginning for me. It made me feel like I was never going to measure up to who I was representing. Once I got pointing out all the ways I wasn't like the Savior, I realized I would need to repent and work on myself every day for the rest of my life to even make a dent. But, repenting really strengthened my testimony of the Atonement and my relationship with God. Plus it was really awesome to see progress that I was making and how He was helping me change. (Enabling powers of the Atonement for the win!) I noticed a big change too in how I treated my companions. The Savior is so patient and easily forgiving of our downfalls, and yet, sometimes we can be the harshest judges of others. I started to look at my companions differently and on numerous occasions had the thought, "treat everyone like they are doing the best they can."

LOVE THE PEOPLE.
      This part's easy. If you do it right, it will be 1,000,000x harder to come home than it ever was to leave home.

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
     When I was in my first area in Chile, I quickly realized that I don't handle stressful situations very well. Seriously though, I had acne up the wazoo. I learned that the gift of tongues is not something that instantly comes after a week of studying but was going to require months of patience, faith, and a lot of hard work. I distinctly remember one morning when I was getting ready for the day. I had just taken a cold shower (that first apartment was AWESOME.), gotten dressed and was sitting on the cold tile floor before scripture study. Being overly dramatic, I had decided a week into my mission that I was doomed and would never learn the language. (Just call me Lemuel.) I got on my knees, prepared to tell God my awesome plan to either somehow break my leg and get sent home or convince my mission president that I'd been inspired to be transferred to a state-side English-speaking mission. But once my knees hit the tile, I was overcome with an outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father. I had been knocked to the ground in humility and it was one of the biggest blessings of my entire mission. So many incredible teaching moments from the Spirit came when my knees hit the floor humbly asking for help. I didn't break my leg, I stayed in the country and I did learn Spanish. The Lord also comforted me when investigators rejected my companion and I, celebrated with us when we watched our investigators come out of the baptismal font in white, and wept with me when it was time to leave my beloved Chileans. All these tender mercies started with a humble prayer.

"YOU WERE NEVER CALLED TO FAIL."
     Before I left for the MTC, I asked my parents to write me letters in my journal. (Not to toot my own horn, but this was the best idea ever.) This was such a blessing to be able to pull out their words anytime I needed a little encouragement. My mom wrote something that gave me so much comfort when times were hard: "You were never called to fail." My dad wrote, "When times are tough, always picture your third companion, the Savior, standing next to you. He is who you are serving, and He has your back." (Parental win, am I right?) Being a missionary, or even simply being a member of the Church can sometimes be such a daunting calling. But we were never called to fail. Our mission as Latter-Day Saints is to ensure our own salvation and then show the world what a blessing it is to live the gospel. The Savior will be by our side, mourning, celebrating, laughing, crying, and rejoicing with us every step of the way.

     Serving a mission is unlike any other adventure in life. The highs are the highest you've ever experienced, and the lows are likely the lowest you've ever experienced. When times are hard, remember all the people who love you and are praying for you. I have never attended a temple session where missionaries aren't prayed for. Remember how much the Lord has trusted you with and how much the Church supports and loves you. Enjoy those spiritual highs. They are some of the sweetest experiences the gospel has to offer and you get a front row seat to all of it! Enjoy every moment and return with honor.

Drinking the Bitter Cup Without Becoming Bitter

 I love pizza. Pizza is LIFE. Chris and I must have pizza on our menu at least once a week. It's a nice little tradition we have going. When it comes time to ordering the pizza, or deciding which kind we are going to buy at the store, we always come to the same road block. Chris likes pepperonis. I do not. Every time as we sit down to eat dinner, I pick off my pepperonis and pass them onto Chris' plate. He happily takes the extra pepperonis and I am left with my perfect plain cheese slice.

      When Chris and I were first married, one of our favorite things to do was attend Institute together. We had a favorite teacher, Brother Monson, who could make the entire room laugh uncontrollably, and then almost instantly blow us away with a wave of spiritual insight. He had such a way with words, he left everyone feeling better about themselves, and inspired us so deeply to try harder and to make our Heavenly Father proud of the lives we were living. He truly taught with the Spirit.

      One day in class, we were talking about the Atonement, the monumental sacrifice of both body and Spirit of our Savior Jesus Christ. I can't count how many lessons throughout my life that I have had on this topic, but this one stands alone for me. Brother Monson began by reading the well known verse in Luke 22.

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done." 

         He then taught us that the "bitter cup" comes from a tradition among the Hebrews, one used commonly during great feasts. While members of the feast were dining, a bitter cup or goblet was placed in the center of the table. As guests drank their wine, bitter seeds would sink to the bottom of their glasses. Because of the bitter taste of the seeds, guests would pour them into the goblet in the center of the table, so that it would not affect the flavor of their wine. This added new meaning to the 3 Nephi 11:11 for me:

"And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning."

       Christ suffered immeasurable discomfort, pain, emotional and physical crisis, and heartbreak so that we would never be alone and so we would stand a fighting chance at getting back home to our eternal family. He willingly took those extra pepperonis and that goblet from the center of the table and ate/drank it all, so that we wouldn't have to. Through this selfless act of love and obedience towards the Father and towards us as His brothers and sisters, we can become clean and prepare ourselves to worthily walk back into His presence and be reunited with our Father. "Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives: I KNOW that my Redeemer lives!" Though this sacrifice overcame adversity and death as permanent conditions, it did not remove those experiences from mortality. In a very small way, mortality calls us all, to at one point or another, take a small sip from the bitter cup.

       It's no secret that Chris and I want kids. It's something we have wanted since the beginning of our marriage and have worked hard towards. However, this frequently advertised blessing in our church has not come easy for us. We've sought guidance and comfort through prayer, fasting and repentance, and medical attention through specialists and professional treatment. It has been our small dose of taking a taste from the bitter cup. However, something I have learned over the past few months is that if we are not careful, drinking from the bitter cup will make US bitter, and more distinct and unfamiliar to our Heavenly Father.

       Last weekend I sat in a sacrament meeting where a beautiful baby girl was being blessed. Little Mia is perfect. And as I watched my brother in law, Aaron and his beautiful wife, Tiffany testify of forever families and answered prayers, my heart started to break. It's not that I wasn't happy for them, because I was. There are no two people on this Earth that are more deserving of an eternal family. They have waited for years, trusted in the Lord, and they finally received their miracle. But as I sat in the congregation, I felt my heart grow bitter. Not bitter towards them, and not even bitterness towards my Heavenly Father for giving Chris and I this particular trial, but a bitterness that I think targeted towards the whole gospel experience a little bit. I grew upset that this was God's plan for me. Isn't His plan called the plan of happiness? Ironic, because I really wasn't feeling too happy. A potent thought came to my mind as we sang the final hymn of the meeting: "Krissy, the point of drinking the bitter cup is not to become bitter."

       When someone hopes and prays and fasts and puts all of their energy into obtaining the faith to receive a certain blessing, it can become extremely troublesome to see others collect those blessings with what seems to be little to no effort. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of saying, "Why is she more deserving of that blessing than I am?" or "He isn't as active as I am, and doesn't hold a calling like I do, how is it that God trusts him with that blessing that I want, but not me?" This distorted thinking makes tasting the bitter cup even more burdensome. 

        I have found myself on multiple occasions complaining to Chris about our circumstances and how unfair it is that others seem to be given the opportunity to become parents. I have said things like, "We've been married longer than they have!" or "We both have graduated, we've got good jobs and benefits, aren't we fit to become parents?" or "She's way younger than I am, she's batting out of order, shouldn't I get to be pregnant first!?". As silly as it all sounds, it's the way I have genuinely felt. I have immaturely felt cheated in mortality, like I have done all that God has asked, and it hasn't gotten me the one righteous blessing I am urged in every General Conference to seek. I have prayed verbally asking Heavenly Father, "Have I missed something? Did I fail? What else do you need be to do to prove to you that I can do this? That I want this?" I've become bitter towards the gospel experience that includes God having His timing for individualized plans for each of His children. I've become bitter that the plan God has for some of His other children isn't the plan He has for me. But, just like everything else in the Gospel, Jesus Christ is the Master teacher and can help us rectify our feelings of uneasiness and take away the bitter sting we feel in adversity. 

1. Seek a Testimony of Obedience

      I have found that sipping from the bitter cup is much easier if you have a concrete testimony of the principle of obedience. In most of my prayers recently, I have been requesting additional insight and energy to want to obey, to want to go through something uncomfortable. When Chris and I were walking out of that Sacrament meeting last week, I shared with him what I had learned. I told him, "I learned that I need to drink the bitter cup without becoming bitter. The point of the gospel is to help us become strong enough that we can willingly drink from that cup because we know it's the best possible thing we could do for ourselves...but I'm not there yet." Alma 32 teaches us that if we have even a small desire to believe, that is enough. Obedience and faith go hand in hand. Having faith and being obedient don't mean that we aren't nervous or that we don't struggle. But it means we are willing to push forward, having faith in things we can't yet see. Even Christ, who was perfect in every capacity asked if there was an easier way. With His perfect faith, He pressed forward and drank the bitter cup willingly, a blessing that has enriched us all. 

"If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that. Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

2. Do not shrink

       Recently, my former Young Women's leader (who I have the absolute highest respect and admiration for) sent me a talk from Elder Bednar, "That We Might Not Shrink"  based on the scripture found in D&C 19:18:

 "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—"

         Elder Bednar shares a personal experience he had while speaking with Elder Neil A. Maxwell about his battle with Leukemia.

"During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

       When we are faced with adversity, the most important thing we do is remain faithful to our Heavenly Father and the covenants we have made. Not shrinking in the face of adversity comes when we build our foundation on Christ, which is always a solid foundation. (Helaman 5:12)

3. Remember that all blessings come

       We are taught through the scriptures and from latter-day leaders to remain persistent, full of faith and to always trust in the Lord. But can we all agree that sometimes it is SO stinking hard to stay patient and confident when you don't know if the blessing is ever even going to come!? I have found a lot of comfort in my patriarchal blessing and attending the temple. They are both amazingly powerful reminders that this life is such a small stage in our eternal progression. If the blessings I want aren't mine in this life, they will be mine in the next life.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

4. Never Forget God's Perfect Love for You

        He hasn't forgotten you or misplaced the blueprint for your life. Everything is playing out perfectly, the way HE has designed it. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that we actually aren't the one's who know what's best for us. There is someone else who knows our likes and our dislikes, our weaknesses and our strengths, and He wants nothing more than to bless us infinitely with the things that will make us happy. I feel lucky that the bitterness I have felt has never been targeted towards my Heavenly Father. I have such an immovable and unshaking testimony that He loves me and is doing what He knows is best for me. I may not know exactly why He blesses me with certain experiences or the exact lessons He wants me to learn, but I know it's always motivated by His perfect love for me. The blessings given and the blessings withheld in our mortal journey are all demonstrations of God's love.

       

     Stay strong, people! We got this. Drinking the bitter cup and eating the extra pepperonis of this life isn't ever easy. But you remember, you aren't alone. The Lord loves you infinitely and trusts you so deeply. You were sent to Earth at this time because He had all confidence that you would succeed. It was never in your eternal plan to fail. I love you, Jesus loves you, everyone loves you! 

Keep the faith.

                        --Krissy

Infertility: Turning Trials into Blessings

       I've debated for a long time whether or not to write a post about our experience with infertility. I don't want this post to turn into a "poor me" or into an open invitation of comments from others expressing their sympathy for me. Even though it has been the most challenging experience of my life, I want it to be abundantly clear that this trial has turned into a blessing. It has been an experience that has taught me greater compassion, to choose my words carefully, and to heavily wait upon the Lord through endless tearful nights. It definitely took me a long time to recognize this trial as a blessing, but it has made me more like my Savior. How could it be anything but a blessing?
       When I was 17, I received my patriarchal blessing. It was an experience I fasted and prayed about for a long time. I really did my best to be worthy of the blessings I would be promised and strived to have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion to deserve those blessings and promises. It was a spiritual highlight of my life and I loved being able to share that special experience with my wonderful parents. As we sat in Patriarch Buchanan's home, he laid his hands on my head and a wave of love from my Heavenly Father filled the room. I was so taken back by the sensitivity to the Spirit that Patriarch Buchanan had. He paused frequently to listen, and then spoke with a certainty that those were the catered and personalized words of wisdom Heavenly Father reserved for me. Towards the end of my blessing, he made a powerful statement: "You will enjoy being a mother; it will be the highlight of your life." At the time, I didn't fully appreciate this promise. I thought, "Yuck. Changing diapers and breast feeding is as good as it's going to get for me!? That's disappointing." I'm grateful that God is a master heart surgeon. He changed my perspective through the next few years and gave me a burning desire to be a mother. Throughout my mission, I often had experiences that brought thoughts to my mind like, "I will need to teach my kids this" or, "I want my kids to know that I know this is true". Countless experiences helped me to realize how sacred and honorable being a mother is.
       Shortly after Chris and I were married, (One week to be exact), I had a distinct impression that we needed to start our family. This was one of those times I really just wanted to laugh out loud and see the look on God's face as I say "You're kidding, right?" I put it off for a few days, really not wanting to scare off my husband of one week. But the Spirit was persistent and I could tell this was important. I spoke to Chris about what I had been feeling and we took our questions to the temple. We prayed and fasted to know if this was really what God wanted for us and had beautiful, personalized revelation while performing proxy work in the temple. Our questions had been answered in an undeniable way. On the car ride home, we discussed the faith we would need to have to take the next step. I was so grateful that night for a loving husband who was so willing to follow the Lord and exercise that faith in Him and in me.

       After receiving such a powerful answer, we expected our family to grow instantly and with very little effort. We waited anxiously every month to take a test and see those little lines appear. Month after month, those stupid little lines never came. We started praying and fasting more, thinking maybe that God wanted us to prove our faith. But nothing came. We went to the temple, repented, prayed for guidance, served faithfully in numerous callings, and still, nothing changed. We met with various doctors, were prescribed Chlomid, Famara, took progesterone suppositories, trigger shots, etc. It seemed like nothing was going to "fix" our problem. After over a year of heartache, prayers, a PCOS diagnosis, and a sinking bank account, I was ready to put my arms in the air and say, "I'm done."
        One night as I knelt to pray, I was trying to express gratitude for the day's blessings. That day was particularly difficult, and my limited mortal mind couldn't seem to find any blessings that had demonstrated God's love for me or my husband. Out of pure frustration and heartache, I looked up and said, "Isn't your favorite thing being a dad?! Isn't your work and glory to have your kids doing well and to be a good parent!? Why wont you let me do the same!? Why can't that be MY work and glory too!?" Unless you have personally experienced the desire the be a parent and have actively tried, only to be unsuccessful, you can never understand the heart-wrenching pain associated with it. That night, Chris and I fell asleep crying into each other's arms, like we had many nights before, and wondered what God needed us to learn or change in order to show Him we could be parents.
        For a long time, everything made our trial worse. A simple check-in to social media turned into feelings of anger and jealousy over every pregnancy announcement, or month to month baby photo. A careless "why aren't you two having kids yet!?" was enough to send me to the bathroom in tears. Even seeing complete strangers in public with their kids was enough to turn a good day into a very somber one. It seemed like every co-worker was expecting, and even though I tried to be sincerely happy for them at work, I would come home and completely fall apart or take it out on my sweet husband. Mother's Day this year was hard. Testimonies were given with statements like "I'm so blessed that God trusted me enough to become a mother." I heard things like that and misinterpreted them completely: "I guess God doesn't trust me." Any conversation at work or with friends that even touched the topic of pregnancy or kids made me quiet and upset. I was angry with all of them and internally begged for more compassion. But it was unfair of me, I was oversensitive, and they had no idea.
       I can't say that I have gotten to the point, or that I ever expect to enjoy infertility. It's been such a difficult hurdle, but there are several things that have made our burden light.

#1. Chruch Service
       One of the biggest blessings throughout this trial has been the distraction of our church callings. We feel lucky that we have gotten to know so many wonderful people and have so many experiences because of church service. Two callings in particular have brought us clarity and a sense of fulfillment. As the Sunday School teachers for all the youth in our ward, we have become "parents" in a way. We have thoroughly enjoyed attending choir and dance concerts, cello recitals, track meets, watching them get mission calls, and more to watch "our kids" progress and do amazing things. They have made me feel like a mother in so many ways. The second calling has been our assignment to serve as ordinance workers in the Provo Temple. What a wonderful opportunity it has been to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and to be humbled by the wonderful patrons who serve in the temple every week. It has given our lives purpose and taught us that we can build the kingdom in more ways than just parenthood. It's a calling we could never have had if we'd had children immediately.
#2. Scripture Study
       I've grown to love my homegirl Rebecca from the Old Testament. It's amazing that these historical stories can penetrate a latter-day heart so deeply. Countless scriptures have spoken directly to my mind on a difficult day and provided much needed comfort. I once heard someone say, "If you want to talk to God, pray. If you want Him to talk to you, read your scriptures."
#3. Focusing on My Marriage
        There aren't a lot of things related to fertility that are in our control, but turning to the things we DO have control over has been extremely helpful. Chris and I made a goal that in the time we have before becoming parents, no matter how long or short that may be, we are going to have the best marriage we possibly can. We have committed a lot more effort to strengthening our relationship by having companionship inventory, setting spiritual and temporal goals, having frequent date nights, and having more meaningful conversations about how we can be better. This entire process has brought us closer together and I love the relationship that we have now. We are consistently getting better and I know we will be better parents because of it.
#4. Support System
        I am BEYOND grateful for the people who have noticed our struggle and gone out of their way to help us. Y'all know who you are. There have been difficult days that I am just more sensitive than others, and then suddenly I will get a text from someone just checking in, someone will just give me a hug, or let me know they are thinking of me. YOU BLESSED SOULS. THANK YOU. I've heard several friends say, "I just don't know what to say when I hear a friend or family member is struggling with this." Some of the BEST and most comforting things people have told us are "We are praying for you", "I put your names on the prayer role", "If you ever need anything, we are here", and "Want me to bring you some Oreos?". I appreciate so much the people who follow the Spirit and are willing to be an answer to my prayers.
#5. Meaningful and Sincere Prayer
       This one has come easy to me. I like to speak my mind, and I think sometimes Heavenly Father just sits up there and laughs at how dramatic I can be. But speaking openly and honestly about how I feel every day has really brought me relief. Some days, I am tough and handle my trial like a boss. And I let my Heavenly Father know that. Other days, I turn into the 12-year old version of myself watching Charly for the first time. These prayers are sometimes completely non-verbal. But they have been some of the most impacting. Sometimes, when I can't even utter a single word to Him, He still manages to give me the exact personalized blessing I came requesting. And on the nights I am certain He isn't there or that He isn't listening, He quickly corrects me and completely encircles me with His love.
#6. Letting Myself Cry
        For a long time I had the mindset "Well, her situation is so much worse. She's been waiting longer than I have! I shouldn't complain." But, you know what, a trial is a trial. Just because our trials are different doesn't mean they don't all hurt. I took a long time to being okay with myself having a little pity party every now and again. Comparison is damaging, no matter what its form. Those nights where Chris or I have cried our way through our companionship prayers have usually been the ones that have brought us closest. They end by us holding each other close and falling asleep with a hope that tomorrow will be a little better. I've learned to let myself cry but to quickly rebound and see the abundant blessings in my life.

        I don't know when Heavenly Father will let me be a mama. Chris is going to be the most amazing father and I am so eager to watch him. So, for a while longer, we wait. Our trial is making us better, so for that alone, it is a blessing. Our hearts go out to other couples going through this. We recognize whole-heartedly that our circumstance is not even close to as bad as it could be, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hope our story inspires others who are going through the same thing to never give up and to know that your lives hold purpose as long as you are engaged in the work of the Lord. May we all be a little more sensitive to the known and unknown trials of those who surround us. Let us be more compassionate and full of charity. Above all, let us know that even if God doesn't give us exactly what we want, He is still good.