Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear: Our Sappy Love Story

       "Do you know what your Father in Heaven expects of you now that you've completed your mission?" I rambled off a few of what I thought were the obvious answers; continue to be a missionary, go to the temple, continue studying the scriptures? "Hermana Nichols, God expects you to ensure your salvation, and the way you do that is by making covenants. Isn't there a covenant you still haven't made?" My mission president was never one for beating around the bush. My final interview with President Kahnlein was one of the highlights of my mission. It felt like an extension of my patriarchal blessing and, like every other experience throughout my mission, it taught me how aware the Lord was of me as His daughter.
       Rewinding back 18 months, I never thought President Kahnlein would be pointing me back in Chris' direction. Chris had returned home from Brazil during the Summer where we quickly realized single life wasn't really our thing. Date nights became more frequent and it became more and more difficult to spend time away from each other. We finally came around to the topic of marriage and decided to fast and pray separately to see whether or not that was the direction the Lord wanted us to head toward. I fasted into Sunday, trying to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I remember praying about Chris and a line from my patriarchal blessing came running through my mind. Paraphrasing, it says that I should select a companion who loves the Lord. It's simple but it came powerfully to my mind. I knew Chris loved his Heavenly Father and that living the gospel was his top priority. So in my mind, that was my answer. A few days later Chris and I talked about our fasts. While I was confident in my answer and the direction we were going, Chris felt differently. He felt like the answer he received was telling him that now wasn't the right time. We ended up breaking up and I was in complete shock. I started questioning whether or not I really understood how to receive revelation and over analyzing the peace I felt when I prayed about Chris. I couldn't understand why we received two different answers leading us in opposite directions.
       After drowning my sorrows in Dr. Pepper and Oreos for a couple weeks, I continued praying to know what God wanted from me. I asked Him what I needed to do with my life and I what I needed to change. The answer came only a few days later.

 "I am pleased to announce that worthy able young women may now begin their missionary service at age 19..We welcome your service."

       In a matter of seconds my life changed completely. I started seriously praying about whether or not I should go. I wanted to, but not just because I wasn't getting married. I wanted to serve because I knew what a mission meant to my dad and my brother. I saw what an impact it made on both of them and the love they developed for their areas of service and the people they were with. I wanted that. Most of all, I wanted to help people change. I prayed and again received a distinct thought from the Spirit; "If you serve, you have to be okay with letting Chris go." I thought a lot about that. I knew there was a good chance Chris would be married and well moved on by the time I got home, and I had to know that if I was going to serve the Lord, I needed to leave all other personal things at home. I submitted my papers, knowing that maybe Chris and I just weren't supposed to be together. He came to my farewell, told me good luck and hugged me goodbye. As I watched him walk away (this is so dramatic, I know.) I wondered where he would be 18 months from then. 

       I reported to the MTC three days later and became completely obsessed with my mission. I embraced the culture, the people were incredibly easy to love, and I was completely focused on the Lord's work. It was exactly how I wanted to spend my mission. Almost at my year mark, I was in Agua Santa with one of my dearest companions Hermana Nunez. We spent three transfers together (almost five months) and grew incredibly close. During a p-day as we were writing our families, a familiar name popped into my inbox. After almost a year of silence, Chris checked in. On the verge of screaming/running around the internet cafe, Hermana Nunez and I copied and pasted the email into Google translator so she could understand what the letter said. Of course, Google is never accurate and the letter didn't make any sense. I finally translated every line back to my companion and we squealed through the entire thing. Without saying a lot, I knew Chris was still there and that he valued our friendship.

       Weekly letters were such a blessing and I loved gaining insights from his experiences. Letters were always centered on the work, his callings, my investigators, and how we were trying to improve that week. He definitely held me accountable to trying to change and applying new gospel principles. He was helping me be better, which is exactly why I was so drawn to him in the beginning. Before we knew it, 18 months was up and it was time for me to go home.

       I knew that Chris was home and that some big and important decisions needed to be made. I started remembering his prompting from the spirit to wait, and wondered if my answer I received almost two years earlier could still have been right. As I walked into President's office, I had a lot on my mind. After finally admitting that I knew the Lord expected me to go and find a husband when I got home, President taught me a vital principle. I told him all about Chris and our history. I told him I thought I loved him and that he very well could be the man that takes me to the temple. But I also said I did NOT want to be "that girl" who gets married virtually immediately after coming home. I wanted to take things slow. President Kahnlein has a funny way of dealing with stubborn personalities. "Hermana Nichols, do you know what it means to do things in the Lord's time?" "Sure," I said. "It means we need to be patient and wait on His timeline." "Well, that's half of it. Let's see if I can explain it in a way you'll understand. How many times did you invite investigators to be baptized on the first lesson?" I told him that it happened every day. When the Spirit prompts you to invite someone to follow Jesus Christ, it is really difficult to ignore. "And how did you feel when the investigator said no to that invitation?" It was really hard. I hated seeing people turn down the opportunity to follow their Savior, especially when the Spirit was prompting them to move forward. "Hermana Nichols, the Lord is hastening His work. Often, the Lord needs us to act and move forward promptly and quickly. Doing things in the Lord's time means we wait when He tells us to wait, and to act when He tells us to act. Do you understand?" I started to catch on. "If the Lord prompts you through the Spirit to marry Chris and you retreat, that is a form of disobedience. Hasn't your mission taught you to be obedient, especially to the promptings of the Holy Ghost?" Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the power and wisdom of President Kahnlein. 

       I went home with a lot of determination to figure out what direction Chris and I needed to take, and those answers came quick. I started to remember my patriarchal blessing advising me to find someone who loves the Lord. Chris and I talked a lot about how difficult it was to accept the answer to simply wait. He said it was a prompting he really didn't understand until he was prompted again by the Spirit (and his sweet mama) to write me. I started to see clearly that Chris loved me then, but He loved the Lord more. He wanted to do what was right, and that meant waiting. Seeing Chris and his willingness to do the Lord's will, no matter what it required, showed me that he truly loved Him. We were engaged a month after I returned home and sealed four months later in the Salt Lake City Temple.

       There's a scripture in the New Testament in first John that says "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18) When I saw how much Chris loved the Lord, I wasn't nervous about taking those significant steps anymore. It took my fear away. I remember the stake president asking Chris if he loved me more than anyone else and Chris promptly said "Nope!" (Ouch...) He was quick to add, "But she's a close second." I love that Chris loves God more than he loves me. It's the way it should be. The perfect love we have for the Lord has made our marriage a sacred experience and has made difficult decisions a lot easier. As we've continued trying to put our faith in the Savior and the plan He's outlined for our lives, we have never been led to anything short of a downpour of blessings. Here's to eternity!