Drinking the Bitter Cup Without Becoming Bitter

 I love pizza. Pizza is LIFE. Chris and I must have pizza on our menu at least once a week. It's a nice little tradition we have going. When it comes time to ordering the pizza, or deciding which kind we are going to buy at the store, we always come to the same road block. Chris likes pepperonis. I do not. Every time as we sit down to eat dinner, I pick off my pepperonis and pass them onto Chris' plate. He happily takes the extra pepperonis and I am left with my perfect plain cheese slice.

      When Chris and I were first married, one of our favorite things to do was attend Institute together. We had a favorite teacher, Brother Monson, who could make the entire room laugh uncontrollably, and then almost instantly blow us away with a wave of spiritual insight. He had such a way with words, he left everyone feeling better about themselves, and inspired us so deeply to try harder and to make our Heavenly Father proud of the lives we were living. He truly taught with the Spirit.

      One day in class, we were talking about the Atonement, the monumental sacrifice of both body and Spirit of our Savior Jesus Christ. I can't count how many lessons throughout my life that I have had on this topic, but this one stands alone for me. Brother Monson began by reading the well known verse in Luke 22.

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done." 

         He then taught us that the "bitter cup" comes from a tradition among the Hebrews, one used commonly during great feasts. While members of the feast were dining, a bitter cup or goblet was placed in the center of the table. As guests drank their wine, bitter seeds would sink to the bottom of their glasses. Because of the bitter taste of the seeds, guests would pour them into the goblet in the center of the table, so that it would not affect the flavor of their wine. This added new meaning to the 3 Nephi 11:11 for me:

"And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning."

       Christ suffered immeasurable discomfort, pain, emotional and physical crisis, and heartbreak so that we would never be alone and so we would stand a fighting chance at getting back home to our eternal family. He willingly took those extra pepperonis and that goblet from the center of the table and ate/drank it all, so that we wouldn't have to. Through this selfless act of love and obedience towards the Father and towards us as His brothers and sisters, we can become clean and prepare ourselves to worthily walk back into His presence and be reunited with our Father. "Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives: I KNOW that my Redeemer lives!" Though this sacrifice overcame adversity and death as permanent conditions, it did not remove those experiences from mortality. In a very small way, mortality calls us all, to at one point or another, take a small sip from the bitter cup.

       It's no secret that Chris and I want kids. It's something we have wanted since the beginning of our marriage and have worked hard towards. However, this frequently advertised blessing in our church has not come easy for us. We've sought guidance and comfort through prayer, fasting and repentance, and medical attention through specialists and professional treatment. It has been our small dose of taking a taste from the bitter cup. However, something I have learned over the past few months is that if we are not careful, drinking from the bitter cup will make US bitter, and more distinct and unfamiliar to our Heavenly Father.

       Last weekend I sat in a sacrament meeting where a beautiful baby girl was being blessed. Little Mia is perfect. And as I watched my brother in law, Aaron and his beautiful wife, Tiffany testify of forever families and answered prayers, my heart started to break. It's not that I wasn't happy for them, because I was. There are no two people on this Earth that are more deserving of an eternal family. They have waited for years, trusted in the Lord, and they finally received their miracle. But as I sat in the congregation, I felt my heart grow bitter. Not bitter towards them, and not even bitterness towards my Heavenly Father for giving Chris and I this particular trial, but a bitterness that I think targeted towards the whole gospel experience a little bit. I grew upset that this was God's plan for me. Isn't His plan called the plan of happiness? Ironic, because I really wasn't feeling too happy. A potent thought came to my mind as we sang the final hymn of the meeting: "Krissy, the point of drinking the bitter cup is not to become bitter."

       When someone hopes and prays and fasts and puts all of their energy into obtaining the faith to receive a certain blessing, it can become extremely troublesome to see others collect those blessings with what seems to be little to no effort. It can be so easy to fall into the trap of saying, "Why is she more deserving of that blessing than I am?" or "He isn't as active as I am, and doesn't hold a calling like I do, how is it that God trusts him with that blessing that I want, but not me?" This distorted thinking makes tasting the bitter cup even more burdensome. 

        I have found myself on multiple occasions complaining to Chris about our circumstances and how unfair it is that others seem to be given the opportunity to become parents. I have said things like, "We've been married longer than they have!" or "We both have graduated, we've got good jobs and benefits, aren't we fit to become parents?" or "She's way younger than I am, she's batting out of order, shouldn't I get to be pregnant first!?". As silly as it all sounds, it's the way I have genuinely felt. I have immaturely felt cheated in mortality, like I have done all that God has asked, and it hasn't gotten me the one righteous blessing I am urged in every General Conference to seek. I have prayed verbally asking Heavenly Father, "Have I missed something? Did I fail? What else do you need be to do to prove to you that I can do this? That I want this?" I've become bitter towards the gospel experience that includes God having His timing for individualized plans for each of His children. I've become bitter that the plan God has for some of His other children isn't the plan He has for me. But, just like everything else in the Gospel, Jesus Christ is the Master teacher and can help us rectify our feelings of uneasiness and take away the bitter sting we feel in adversity. 

1. Seek a Testimony of Obedience

      I have found that sipping from the bitter cup is much easier if you have a concrete testimony of the principle of obedience. In most of my prayers recently, I have been requesting additional insight and energy to want to obey, to want to go through something uncomfortable. When Chris and I were walking out of that Sacrament meeting last week, I shared with him what I had learned. I told him, "I learned that I need to drink the bitter cup without becoming bitter. The point of the gospel is to help us become strong enough that we can willingly drink from that cup because we know it's the best possible thing we could do for ourselves...but I'm not there yet." Alma 32 teaches us that if we have even a small desire to believe, that is enough. Obedience and faith go hand in hand. Having faith and being obedient don't mean that we aren't nervous or that we don't struggle. But it means we are willing to push forward, having faith in things we can't yet see. Even Christ, who was perfect in every capacity asked if there was an easier way. With His perfect faith, He pressed forward and drank the bitter cup willingly, a blessing that has enriched us all. 

"If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that. Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

2. Do not shrink

       Recently, my former Young Women's leader (who I have the absolute highest respect and admiration for) sent me a talk from Elder Bednar, "That We Might Not Shrink"  based on the scripture found in D&C 19:18:

 "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—"

         Elder Bednar shares a personal experience he had while speaking with Elder Neil A. Maxwell about his battle with Leukemia.

"During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

       When we are faced with adversity, the most important thing we do is remain faithful to our Heavenly Father and the covenants we have made. Not shrinking in the face of adversity comes when we build our foundation on Christ, which is always a solid foundation. (Helaman 5:12)

3. Remember that all blessings come

       We are taught through the scriptures and from latter-day leaders to remain persistent, full of faith and to always trust in the Lord. But can we all agree that sometimes it is SO stinking hard to stay patient and confident when you don't know if the blessing is ever even going to come!? I have found a lot of comfort in my patriarchal blessing and attending the temple. They are both amazingly powerful reminders that this life is such a small stage in our eternal progression. If the blessings I want aren't mine in this life, they will be mine in the next life.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

4. Never Forget God's Perfect Love for You

        He hasn't forgotten you or misplaced the blueprint for your life. Everything is playing out perfectly, the way HE has designed it. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that we actually aren't the one's who know what's best for us. There is someone else who knows our likes and our dislikes, our weaknesses and our strengths, and He wants nothing more than to bless us infinitely with the things that will make us happy. I feel lucky that the bitterness I have felt has never been targeted towards my Heavenly Father. I have such an immovable and unshaking testimony that He loves me and is doing what He knows is best for me. I may not know exactly why He blesses me with certain experiences or the exact lessons He wants me to learn, but I know it's always motivated by His perfect love for me. The blessings given and the blessings withheld in our mortal journey are all demonstrations of God's love.

       

     Stay strong, people! We got this. Drinking the bitter cup and eating the extra pepperonis of this life isn't ever easy. But you remember, you aren't alone. The Lord loves you infinitely and trusts you so deeply. You were sent to Earth at this time because He had all confidence that you would succeed. It was never in your eternal plan to fail. I love you, Jesus loves you, everyone loves you! 

Keep the faith.

                        --Krissy

Infertility: Turning Trials into Blessings

       I've debated for a long time whether or not to write a post about our experience with infertility. I don't want this post to turn into a "poor me" or into an open invitation of comments from others expressing their sympathy for me. Even though it has been the most challenging experience of my life, I want it to be abundantly clear that this trial has turned into a blessing. It has been an experience that has taught me greater compassion, to choose my words carefully, and to heavily wait upon the Lord through endless tearful nights. It definitely took me a long time to recognize this trial as a blessing, but it has made me more like my Savior. How could it be anything but a blessing?
       When I was 17, I received my patriarchal blessing. It was an experience I fasted and prayed about for a long time. I really did my best to be worthy of the blessings I would be promised and strived to have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion to deserve those blessings and promises. It was a spiritual highlight of my life and I loved being able to share that special experience with my wonderful parents. As we sat in Patriarch Buchanan's home, he laid his hands on my head and a wave of love from my Heavenly Father filled the room. I was so taken back by the sensitivity to the Spirit that Patriarch Buchanan had. He paused frequently to listen, and then spoke with a certainty that those were the catered and personalized words of wisdom Heavenly Father reserved for me. Towards the end of my blessing, he made a powerful statement: "You will enjoy being a mother; it will be the highlight of your life." At the time, I didn't fully appreciate this promise. I thought, "Yuck. Changing diapers and breast feeding is as good as it's going to get for me!? That's disappointing." I'm grateful that God is a master heart surgeon. He changed my perspective through the next few years and gave me a burning desire to be a mother. Throughout my mission, I often had experiences that brought thoughts to my mind like, "I will need to teach my kids this" or, "I want my kids to know that I know this is true". Countless experiences helped me to realize how sacred and honorable being a mother is.
       Shortly after Chris and I were married, (One week to be exact), I had a distinct impression that we needed to start our family. This was one of those times I really just wanted to laugh out loud and see the look on God's face as I say "You're kidding, right?" I put it off for a few days, really not wanting to scare off my husband of one week. But the Spirit was persistent and I could tell this was important. I spoke to Chris about what I had been feeling and we took our questions to the temple. We prayed and fasted to know if this was really what God wanted for us and had beautiful, personalized revelation while performing proxy work in the temple. Our questions had been answered in an undeniable way. On the car ride home, we discussed the faith we would need to have to take the next step. I was so grateful that night for a loving husband who was so willing to follow the Lord and exercise that faith in Him and in me.

       After receiving such a powerful answer, we expected our family to grow instantly and with very little effort. We waited anxiously every month to take a test and see those little lines appear. Month after month, those stupid little lines never came. We started praying and fasting more, thinking maybe that God wanted us to prove our faith. But nothing came. We went to the temple, repented, prayed for guidance, served faithfully in numerous callings, and still, nothing changed. We met with various doctors, were prescribed Chlomid, Famara, took progesterone suppositories, trigger shots, etc. It seemed like nothing was going to "fix" our problem. After over a year of heartache, prayers, a PCOS diagnosis, and a sinking bank account, I was ready to put my arms in the air and say, "I'm done."
        One night as I knelt to pray, I was trying to express gratitude for the day's blessings. That day was particularly difficult, and my limited mortal mind couldn't seem to find any blessings that had demonstrated God's love for me or my husband. Out of pure frustration and heartache, I looked up and said, "Isn't your favorite thing being a dad?! Isn't your work and glory to have your kids doing well and to be a good parent!? Why wont you let me do the same!? Why can't that be MY work and glory too!?" Unless you have personally experienced the desire the be a parent and have actively tried, only to be unsuccessful, you can never understand the heart-wrenching pain associated with it. That night, Chris and I fell asleep crying into each other's arms, like we had many nights before, and wondered what God needed us to learn or change in order to show Him we could be parents.
        For a long time, everything made our trial worse. A simple check-in to social media turned into feelings of anger and jealousy over every pregnancy announcement, or month to month baby photo. A careless "why aren't you two having kids yet!?" was enough to send me to the bathroom in tears. Even seeing complete strangers in public with their kids was enough to turn a good day into a very somber one. It seemed like every co-worker was expecting, and even though I tried to be sincerely happy for them at work, I would come home and completely fall apart or take it out on my sweet husband. Mother's Day this year was hard. Testimonies were given with statements like "I'm so blessed that God trusted me enough to become a mother." I heard things like that and misinterpreted them completely: "I guess God doesn't trust me." Any conversation at work or with friends that even touched the topic of pregnancy or kids made me quiet and upset. I was angry with all of them and internally begged for more compassion. But it was unfair of me, I was oversensitive, and they had no idea.
       I can't say that I have gotten to the point, or that I ever expect to enjoy infertility. It's been such a difficult hurdle, but there are several things that have made our burden light.

#1. Chruch Service
       One of the biggest blessings throughout this trial has been the distraction of our church callings. We feel lucky that we have gotten to know so many wonderful people and have so many experiences because of church service. Two callings in particular have brought us clarity and a sense of fulfillment. As the Sunday School teachers for all the youth in our ward, we have become "parents" in a way. We have thoroughly enjoyed attending choir and dance concerts, cello recitals, track meets, watching them get mission calls, and more to watch "our kids" progress and do amazing things. They have made me feel like a mother in so many ways. The second calling has been our assignment to serve as ordinance workers in the Provo Temple. What a wonderful opportunity it has been to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and to be humbled by the wonderful patrons who serve in the temple every week. It has given our lives purpose and taught us that we can build the kingdom in more ways than just parenthood. It's a calling we could never have had if we'd had children immediately.
#2. Scripture Study
       I've grown to love my homegirl Rebecca from the Old Testament. It's amazing that these historical stories can penetrate a latter-day heart so deeply. Countless scriptures have spoken directly to my mind on a difficult day and provided much needed comfort. I once heard someone say, "If you want to talk to God, pray. If you want Him to talk to you, read your scriptures."
#3. Focusing on My Marriage
        There aren't a lot of things related to fertility that are in our control, but turning to the things we DO have control over has been extremely helpful. Chris and I made a goal that in the time we have before becoming parents, no matter how long or short that may be, we are going to have the best marriage we possibly can. We have committed a lot more effort to strengthening our relationship by having companionship inventory, setting spiritual and temporal goals, having frequent date nights, and having more meaningful conversations about how we can be better. This entire process has brought us closer together and I love the relationship that we have now. We are consistently getting better and I know we will be better parents because of it.
#4. Support System
        I am BEYOND grateful for the people who have noticed our struggle and gone out of their way to help us. Y'all know who you are. There have been difficult days that I am just more sensitive than others, and then suddenly I will get a text from someone just checking in, someone will just give me a hug, or let me know they are thinking of me. YOU BLESSED SOULS. THANK YOU. I've heard several friends say, "I just don't know what to say when I hear a friend or family member is struggling with this." Some of the BEST and most comforting things people have told us are "We are praying for you", "I put your names on the prayer role", "If you ever need anything, we are here", and "Want me to bring you some Oreos?". I appreciate so much the people who follow the Spirit and are willing to be an answer to my prayers.
#5. Meaningful and Sincere Prayer
       This one has come easy to me. I like to speak my mind, and I think sometimes Heavenly Father just sits up there and laughs at how dramatic I can be. But speaking openly and honestly about how I feel every day has really brought me relief. Some days, I am tough and handle my trial like a boss. And I let my Heavenly Father know that. Other days, I turn into the 12-year old version of myself watching Charly for the first time. These prayers are sometimes completely non-verbal. But they have been some of the most impacting. Sometimes, when I can't even utter a single word to Him, He still manages to give me the exact personalized blessing I came requesting. And on the nights I am certain He isn't there or that He isn't listening, He quickly corrects me and completely encircles me with His love.
#6. Letting Myself Cry
        For a long time I had the mindset "Well, her situation is so much worse. She's been waiting longer than I have! I shouldn't complain." But, you know what, a trial is a trial. Just because our trials are different doesn't mean they don't all hurt. I took a long time to being okay with myself having a little pity party every now and again. Comparison is damaging, no matter what its form. Those nights where Chris or I have cried our way through our companionship prayers have usually been the ones that have brought us closest. They end by us holding each other close and falling asleep with a hope that tomorrow will be a little better. I've learned to let myself cry but to quickly rebound and see the abundant blessings in my life.

        I don't know when Heavenly Father will let me be a mama. Chris is going to be the most amazing father and I am so eager to watch him. So, for a while longer, we wait. Our trial is making us better, so for that alone, it is a blessing. Our hearts go out to other couples going through this. We recognize whole-heartedly that our circumstance is not even close to as bad as it could be, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hope our story inspires others who are going through the same thing to never give up and to know that your lives hold purpose as long as you are engaged in the work of the Lord. May we all be a little more sensitive to the known and unknown trials of those who surround us. Let us be more compassionate and full of charity. Above all, let us know that even if God doesn't give us exactly what we want, He is still good.