Infertility: Turning Trials into Blessings

       I've debated for a long time whether or not to write a post about our experience with infertility. I don't want this post to turn into a "poor me" or into an open invitation of comments from others expressing their sympathy for me. Even though it has been the most challenging experience of my life, I want it to be abundantly clear that this trial has turned into a blessing. It has been an experience that has taught me greater compassion, to choose my words carefully, and to heavily wait upon the Lord through endless tearful nights. It definitely took me a long time to recognize this trial as a blessing, but it has made me more like my Savior. How could it be anything but a blessing?
       When I was 17, I received my patriarchal blessing. It was an experience I fasted and prayed about for a long time. I really did my best to be worthy of the blessings I would be promised and strived to have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion to deserve those blessings and promises. It was a spiritual highlight of my life and I loved being able to share that special experience with my wonderful parents. As we sat in Patriarch Buchanan's home, he laid his hands on my head and a wave of love from my Heavenly Father filled the room. I was so taken back by the sensitivity to the Spirit that Patriarch Buchanan had. He paused frequently to listen, and then spoke with a certainty that those were the catered and personalized words of wisdom Heavenly Father reserved for me. Towards the end of my blessing, he made a powerful statement: "You will enjoy being a mother; it will be the highlight of your life." At the time, I didn't fully appreciate this promise. I thought, "Yuck. Changing diapers and breast feeding is as good as it's going to get for me!? That's disappointing." I'm grateful that God is a master heart surgeon. He changed my perspective through the next few years and gave me a burning desire to be a mother. Throughout my mission, I often had experiences that brought thoughts to my mind like, "I will need to teach my kids this" or, "I want my kids to know that I know this is true". Countless experiences helped me to realize how sacred and honorable being a mother is.
       Shortly after Chris and I were married, (One week to be exact), I had a distinct impression that we needed to start our family. This was one of those times I really just wanted to laugh out loud and see the look on God's face as I say "You're kidding, right?" I put it off for a few days, really not wanting to scare off my husband of one week. But the Spirit was persistent and I could tell this was important. I spoke to Chris about what I had been feeling and we took our questions to the temple. We prayed and fasted to know if this was really what God wanted for us and had beautiful, personalized revelation while performing proxy work in the temple. Our questions had been answered in an undeniable way. On the car ride home, we discussed the faith we would need to have to take the next step. I was so grateful that night for a loving husband who was so willing to follow the Lord and exercise that faith in Him and in me.

       After receiving such a powerful answer, we expected our family to grow instantly and with very little effort. We waited anxiously every month to take a test and see those little lines appear. Month after month, those stupid little lines never came. We started praying and fasting more, thinking maybe that God wanted us to prove our faith. But nothing came. We went to the temple, repented, prayed for guidance, served faithfully in numerous callings, and still, nothing changed. We met with various doctors, were prescribed Chlomid, Famara, took progesterone suppositories, trigger shots, etc. It seemed like nothing was going to "fix" our problem. After over a year of heartache, prayers, a PCOS diagnosis, and a sinking bank account, I was ready to put my arms in the air and say, "I'm done."
        One night as I knelt to pray, I was trying to express gratitude for the day's blessings. That day was particularly difficult, and my limited mortal mind couldn't seem to find any blessings that had demonstrated God's love for me or my husband. Out of pure frustration and heartache, I looked up and said, "Isn't your favorite thing being a dad?! Isn't your work and glory to have your kids doing well and to be a good parent!? Why wont you let me do the same!? Why can't that be MY work and glory too!?" Unless you have personally experienced the desire the be a parent and have actively tried, only to be unsuccessful, you can never understand the heart-wrenching pain associated with it. That night, Chris and I fell asleep crying into each other's arms, like we had many nights before, and wondered what God needed us to learn or change in order to show Him we could be parents.
        For a long time, everything made our trial worse. A simple check-in to social media turned into feelings of anger and jealousy over every pregnancy announcement, or month to month baby photo. A careless "why aren't you two having kids yet!?" was enough to send me to the bathroom in tears. Even seeing complete strangers in public with their kids was enough to turn a good day into a very somber one. It seemed like every co-worker was expecting, and even though I tried to be sincerely happy for them at work, I would come home and completely fall apart or take it out on my sweet husband. Mother's Day this year was hard. Testimonies were given with statements like "I'm so blessed that God trusted me enough to become a mother." I heard things like that and misinterpreted them completely: "I guess God doesn't trust me." Any conversation at work or with friends that even touched the topic of pregnancy or kids made me quiet and upset. I was angry with all of them and internally begged for more compassion. But it was unfair of me, I was oversensitive, and they had no idea.
       I can't say that I have gotten to the point, or that I ever expect to enjoy infertility. It's been such a difficult hurdle, but there are several things that have made our burden light.

#1. Chruch Service
       One of the biggest blessings throughout this trial has been the distraction of our church callings. We feel lucky that we have gotten to know so many wonderful people and have so many experiences because of church service. Two callings in particular have brought us clarity and a sense of fulfillment. As the Sunday School teachers for all the youth in our ward, we have become "parents" in a way. We have thoroughly enjoyed attending choir and dance concerts, cello recitals, track meets, watching them get mission calls, and more to watch "our kids" progress and do amazing things. They have made me feel like a mother in so many ways. The second calling has been our assignment to serve as ordinance workers in the Provo Temple. What a wonderful opportunity it has been to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and to be humbled by the wonderful patrons who serve in the temple every week. It has given our lives purpose and taught us that we can build the kingdom in more ways than just parenthood. It's a calling we could never have had if we'd had children immediately.
#2. Scripture Study
       I've grown to love my homegirl Rebecca from the Old Testament. It's amazing that these historical stories can penetrate a latter-day heart so deeply. Countless scriptures have spoken directly to my mind on a difficult day and provided much needed comfort. I once heard someone say, "If you want to talk to God, pray. If you want Him to talk to you, read your scriptures."
#3. Focusing on My Marriage
        There aren't a lot of things related to fertility that are in our control, but turning to the things we DO have control over has been extremely helpful. Chris and I made a goal that in the time we have before becoming parents, no matter how long or short that may be, we are going to have the best marriage we possibly can. We have committed a lot more effort to strengthening our relationship by having companionship inventory, setting spiritual and temporal goals, having frequent date nights, and having more meaningful conversations about how we can be better. This entire process has brought us closer together and I love the relationship that we have now. We are consistently getting better and I know we will be better parents because of it.
#4. Support System
        I am BEYOND grateful for the people who have noticed our struggle and gone out of their way to help us. Y'all know who you are. There have been difficult days that I am just more sensitive than others, and then suddenly I will get a text from someone just checking in, someone will just give me a hug, or let me know they are thinking of me. YOU BLESSED SOULS. THANK YOU. I've heard several friends say, "I just don't know what to say when I hear a friend or family member is struggling with this." Some of the BEST and most comforting things people have told us are "We are praying for you", "I put your names on the prayer role", "If you ever need anything, we are here", and "Want me to bring you some Oreos?". I appreciate so much the people who follow the Spirit and are willing to be an answer to my prayers.
#5. Meaningful and Sincere Prayer
       This one has come easy to me. I like to speak my mind, and I think sometimes Heavenly Father just sits up there and laughs at how dramatic I can be. But speaking openly and honestly about how I feel every day has really brought me relief. Some days, I am tough and handle my trial like a boss. And I let my Heavenly Father know that. Other days, I turn into the 12-year old version of myself watching Charly for the first time. These prayers are sometimes completely non-verbal. But they have been some of the most impacting. Sometimes, when I can't even utter a single word to Him, He still manages to give me the exact personalized blessing I came requesting. And on the nights I am certain He isn't there or that He isn't listening, He quickly corrects me and completely encircles me with His love.
#6. Letting Myself Cry
        For a long time I had the mindset "Well, her situation is so much worse. She's been waiting longer than I have! I shouldn't complain." But, you know what, a trial is a trial. Just because our trials are different doesn't mean they don't all hurt. I took a long time to being okay with myself having a little pity party every now and again. Comparison is damaging, no matter what its form. Those nights where Chris or I have cried our way through our companionship prayers have usually been the ones that have brought us closest. They end by us holding each other close and falling asleep with a hope that tomorrow will be a little better. I've learned to let myself cry but to quickly rebound and see the abundant blessings in my life.

        I don't know when Heavenly Father will let me be a mama. Chris is going to be the most amazing father and I am so eager to watch him. So, for a while longer, we wait. Our trial is making us better, so for that alone, it is a blessing. Our hearts go out to other couples going through this. We recognize whole-heartedly that our circumstance is not even close to as bad as it could be, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hope our story inspires others who are going through the same thing to never give up and to know that your lives hold purpose as long as you are engaged in the work of the Lord. May we all be a little more sensitive to the known and unknown trials of those who surround us. Let us be more compassionate and full of charity. Above all, let us know that even if God doesn't give us exactly what we want, He is still good.