Pornography: The Accessible, the Affordable, and the Anonymous

       My freshman year of college was one of the happiest times of my life. I made some incredible friends and I will always look back on my time at Dixie with a flood of happy memories. The first Valentine's Day as a college student for me was spent with my roommates, some of the best girls I know. We happened to all be totally working the single life that year and decided to make it a girl's night. We went to Pizza Factory where we totally indulged ourselves in proper sized personal pizzas and endless breadsticks. It was great because when you're dating, you never eat as much as you really want to because you don't want your guy or gal to think you're a total pig. So you keep things low key. Since we were all beyond single, there was no holding back and it was a great dinner. Then we headed to the movie theater where we somehow decided seeing a Nicholas Sparks movie was the best option. On Valentine's Day? What were we thinking? What reminds you better that you're single than a movie theater completely full of cuddling couples as Nicholas Sparks shoves unrealistic, immediate, and passionate love into your brain? Anyone who has ever seen a Nicholas Sparks movie knows the cycle. Boy meets girl, they don't get along, something brings them together, they fall in love, a problem arises to test their new love, problem gets resolved, couple stays in love, end credits. Sorry if I just blew the plot to his next movie. As we sat in the theater, the movie worked up to a climatic and romantic "scene". Yep, one of those scenes you tell people, "Oh there's just one part you'll need to fast forward through, other than that, it's a great movie!" We all sat there as active and good church girls. We dressed modestly, went to church every week, we didn't swear or drink, and we certainly weren't immoral. But we all stayed in our seats uncomfortably and didn't say anything. The scene wrapped up, the movie ended and we headed home.
       As I have worked on various projects the past few weeks for school, I have come back to this experience several times. I've thought a lot about what that experience, and many others similar to it, have done to me and how they've changed my perception on relationships and intimacy. More than ever, it's important that we recognize what is and what isn't pornography, what it can do to our current and future relationships, and how to overcome or support those trying to get out of that world.

Redefining Pornography: What it is and what it isn't
       I think one of the most difficult things families find in realizing a loved one has developed a sexual addiction is the rapidness of it all. It seems as though an addiction has flourished abruptly and completely without warning. The truth is that most of us are exposed to some form of pornography on a daily basis without realizing, or perhaps without wanting to admit that that's exactly what it is. When I was in that movie theater I didn't see anything, the actors were covered to a certain point and I was never exposed to any kind of nudity. So, to many, that would not meet the criteria for pornography. However, I knew exactly what was happening in that scene. It triggered certain emotions and thoughts that I knew weren't appropriate and for weeks I couldn't stop replaying that scene in my mind. Pornography has the ability to create lasting images in the mind that are not easily erased. And so frequently with those inappropriate thoughts come actions step by step leading us closer to the "quicksand" world of sexual addiction.

"Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food. With a few fatal exceptions, bad food will only make you sick but do no permanent harm. In contrast, a person who feasts upon filthy stories or pornographic or erotic pictures and literature records them in this marvelous retrieval system we call a brain. The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Pornography", April 2005 

       It's funny because when we see a movie like that and recommend it to a friend we never say, "Oh, it's a great movie! There's just one small pornographic scene is all!" If we said that, we might really turn a few heads. Instead we just call it a "scene", a "bad part", and advise people to just cover their eyes or skip to the next part. Why is it that we have such a problem calling it what it is? It is pornography. While there are certainly various levels of pornography ranging from extremely soft to intense hardcore, all pornography is pornography. The sooner we can tell ourselves that, the better equip we will be to defend ourselves against the adversary's many tactics to lead us down that road.

       By definition "pornography" is "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." Too often we make the mistake of limiting the definition of pornography to images and videos on websites often searched for late at night. The Church's Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts pamphlet (amazing resource, check it out here!) spells out a few more areas that it can be found. "Pornography depicts or describes the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It may be found in written material including romance novels, photographs, movies, electronic images, video games, Internet chat rooms, erotic telephone conversations, music, or any other medium. It is a tool of the adversary."
       When my dad was the Young Men's president in our ward he worked closely with the bishop to help young men and women understand an important lesson. If fishing is a hobby of yours, you will understand the term "chumming". Chumming is the the practice of luring fish by throwing chum into the water. Chum is bait consisting of fish parts, bone and blood, which attract fish. They used this example frequently to demonstrate an analogy for the way the youth dress. "When you young women dress immodestly, you are chumming for the inappropriate attention of young men." The same can be said for young men who dress inappropriately or insist on having their shirt off for various activities that can easily be performed with it on (Eh hem, Matthew McConaughey). Any attire that attracts inappropriate attention can be classified as walking soft-core pornography. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's a bit of a stretch, and boys/girls just need to learn to control themselves and their thoughts. You know, it's not a stretch if you understand the work of the adversary. He works step by step, adding a little more to the pile every time. Usually if he can get an individual to do something marginal in one area of church standards, he can get them in other areas as well. I frequently heard my dad while I was in young women's reminding all of the youth to avoid chumming. (The YM even had t-shirts made.) Without even realizing it at the time, it taught me that I had a sacred responsibility to keep myself clean on the outside and the inside to keep myself and others protected from pornography.
       So, let's recap. Pornography is anything that arouses sexual feelings, whether it's a Nicholas Sparks movie or an immodestly dressed man or woman and everything between and beyond.

The Subtlety of the Adversary
       Pornography, like the adversary himself, comes in many different forms and disguises, never admitting what it really is or what its primary role and purpose is. Can you imagine if Satan walked right on up and said, "Well hey there Brother so and so, I'm just checking in quick. Looks like you just got back from the temple. Well, I'm going to put this commercial in your path today that will have a beautiful young woman dressed in a revealing bathing suit. My purpose is to get you thinking about a few immoral things and eventually get you hooked on some type of sexual compulsivity." Yeah right. Satan unfortunately is not an idiot and has mastered what he does. He's sneaky, subtle, and is a master manipulator.

" For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."

(2 Nephi 28:20-22)

       Satan wants us comfortable and relaxed and unfortunately, his success rates are pretty high and always on the rise. Just like we wont be given a WARNING alert before a commercial comes on with a model inappropriately dressed (chumming), Satan will not announce his presence or his purposes in deceiving us. For that reason, a constant and daily nourishment of the scriptures is absolutely vital in educating us on his many strategies. And in contrast, the scriptures will teach us the things of the Spirit, which are contrary to everything Satan is a part of. If we understand and seek the presence of the Spirit, we will never question what source "those scenes" or other soft-core/hardcore  pornography comes from. 

       I remember one of my first weeks in my singles ward in St. George when my bishop stood and gave a powerful talk on the dangers of pornography. He said there were three main reasons pornography was so tempting; the 3 A's. Pornography is Affordable, Accessible, and Anonymous. Much of pornography accessed through the internet is free allowing for limitless downloads and searches. With internet accessibility, video, audio, and visual searches are virtually endless. And perhaps the most inviting reason, it's completely anonymous and can be done in absolute secrecy. When an individual carries a different type of addiction such as smoking or drinking, the smell of the cigarette or alcohol can linger on their clothing or their breath. An addiction to pornography, masturbation, voyeurism, or any other sexual compulsivity for that matter, can be done behind closed doors where no one will know. And that aspect there, the very reason Satan said it would be okay, is where he gets us yet again.

Quicksand

“Pornography brings a vicious wake of immorality, broken homes, and broken lives. Pornography will sap spiritual strength to endure. Pornography is much like quicksand. You can become so easily trapped and overcome as soon as you step into it that you do not realize the severe danger. Most likely you will need assistance to get out of the quicksand of pornography. But how much better it is never to step into it.” 

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin,“Press On,” November. 2004

       In Patrick Carnes' book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (another amazing resource!) he explains the 4-step cycle of sexual addiction: 1. Preoccupation, 2. Ritual, 3. Sexual Behavior, and 4. Despair.

       These four steps become a habitual routine, making them difficult to change or abandon. Preoccupation describes the constant fantasying of the things a person has seen or done in regards to sexual conduct. The thoughts never seem to leave one's mind, and hours can be wasted day dreaming about images or videos seen months prior. The ritual stage include the actions that lead to the sexual behavior. For many, this involves turning on the computer, closing the door, waiting until everyone is asleep and then spending countless hours clicking away. The act alone of turning on the monitor becomes arousing to the addict, knowing what is only a few moments away. The sexual behavior is the actual process of seeing new images, videos, reading material, etc., often accompanied with masturbation or other sexual practices. What is so interesting to me is the fourth step that always comes back after doing something you truly believe will make you feel good. Despair comes time and time again and leaves the individual feeling shameful and embarrassed for what they've done. (Alma 41:3) They are left alone in their hatred for what they have done, feeling like they are quietly destroying their families and everything that is important to them. Carnes calls pornography the "athlete's foot of the mind, always begging to be itched and promising relief, but never being fully satisfied." Usually this despair ends with a commitment that this was the last time, but that pledge is almost always overridden by the beginning stages of the cycle where it begins all over again. 

"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."

Elder Jefferey R. Holland, "Place No More For the Enemy of My Soul", April 2010

       Many pornography-users will argue that because it is done in privacy and solitude, it does not affect nor hurt anyone else. However, what happens in that locked office changes the individual. He/She suddenly becomes demanding, cruel and impatient. Just as quickly as the addiction began, priorities will change and relationships will be destroyed. President Hinckley often spoke of letters he received from both men and women sharing the heartache that entered their relationships as a result of sexual addiction.

“Dear President Hinckley,
“My husband of 35 years died recently. … He had visited with our good bishop as quickly as he could after his most recent surgery. Then he came to me on that same evening to tell me he had been addicted to pornography. He needed me to forgive him [before he died]. He further said that he had grown tired of living a double life. [He had served in many important] Church callings while knowing [at the same time] that he was in the grips of this ‘other master.’
“I was stunned, hurt, felt betrayed and violated. I could not promise him forgiveness at that moment but pleaded for time. … I was able to review my married life [and how] pornography had … put a stranglehold on our marriage from early on. We had only been married a couple of months when he brought home a [pornographic] magazine. I locked him out of the car because I was so hurt and angry. …
“For many years in our marriage … he was most cruel in many of his demands. I was never good enough for him. … I felt incredibly beaten down at that time to a point of deep depression. … I know now that I was being compared to the latest ‘porn queen.’ …
“We went to counseling one time and … my husband proceeded to rip me apart with his criticism and disdain of me. …
“I could not even get into the car with him after that but walked around the town … for hours, contemplating suicide. [I thought,] ‘Why go on if this is all that my “eternal companion” feels for me?’
“I did go on, but zipped a protective shield around myself. I existed for other reasons than my husband and found joy in my children, in projects and accomplishments that I could do totally on my own. …
“After his ‘deathbed confession’ and [after taking time] to search through my life, I [said] to him, ‘Don’t you know what you have done?’ … I told him I had brought a pure heart into our marriage, kept it pure during that marriage, and intended to keep it pure ever after. Why could he not do the same for me? All I ever wanted was to feel cherished and treated with the smallest of pleasantries … instead of being treated like some kind of chattel. …
“I am now left to grieve not only for his being gone but also for a relationship that could have been [beautiful, but was not]. …
“Please warn the brethren and sisters. Pornography is not some titillating feast for the eyes that gives a momentary rush of excitement. [Rather] it has the effect of damaging hearts and souls to their very depths, strangling the life out of relationships that should be sacred, hurting to the very core those you should love the most.”

       Pornography highjacks your virtue and your ability to choose, destroys the family and pollutes the Spirit. It hurts the people we care about very most and takes absolutely no responsibility for it.

Prevention and Redemption: Overcoming Sexual Addiction through the Atonement

       The best way to overcome pornography and its addictive companions is to never engage in the behavior to begin with. Don't use the excuse that it is everywhere and difficult to avoid. President Hinckley reminds us that weather is difficult to avoid as well, but that doesn't mean we walk out in the rain with shorts and sandals on.  We dress accordingly to shield ourselves. Protect yourself. Stand in holy places and be not moved. Commit to stay clean and never put yourself in a situation where you are likely to give in to temptation. Don't surround yourself with temptation and expect to overcome sin. Get that computer out of a closed-door office and get it in an open space. Talk about pornography with your family and make sure it's not a taboo topic. Ask questions to leaders and parents, don't take your curiosity to the Internet. Stay close to the Savior, serve others, and indulge yourself in the word of God. "..the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else.." Alma 31:5 Prevention is always the best option.
       We are a church that preaches 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 100th chances and opportunities to change. The Atonement is accessible 24 hours a day, 375 days a year. While it is always better to never become involved with the sin in the first place, God understood in the beginning that His children would give in to temptation and would make mistakes. The Atonement was performed to pull those struggling with addiction out and relieve them from their shame and powerlessness.
       Getting out of something so dangerous like this will take a lot more than just reading your scriptures and praying more. It's a real job that takes time, considerable effort, and help outside yourself. Just like any other mistake, it takes significant humility to admit you have a problem or that you have shortcomings. Coming to admit your mistakes to yourself, your family, a loving bishop and your Father in Heaven are some of the most difficult steps of overcoming an addiction or habit to pornography. But the good news of the gospel is that there is an antidote. There is nothing that cannot be made right through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Nothing. 

"I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning. “Come boldly [to] the throne of grace,” and fall at the feet of the Holy One of Israel. Come and feast “without money and without price” at the table of the Lord."

Elder Jeffry R. Holland, "Laborers in the Vineyard", October 2015

       If you have found yourself stuck in this rut, I plead with you to seek help from those who care so much about you and only want your happiness and success. I remind you that while the repentance process will be lengthy and painful, there is someone who has already descended below all things and He will be there with you every step of the way. For those whose family members or friends find themselves struggling with sexual addiction, be patient and be kind. As disciples of Christ, it is never our job to judge or act harshly, but to exercise unconditional love and an outpouring of support. 

       May we all be on our guard, knowing that Satan is truly well-educated and stands ready to attack in any situation. Don't be afraid to call pornography what it is, and be sure you're not it. In all situations, be kind. And may we never forget that the arms of the Savior are always extended, ready to welcome you back. 

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear: Our Sappy Love Story

       "Do you know what your Father in Heaven expects of you now that you've completed your mission?" I rambled off a few of what I thought were the obvious answers; continue to be a missionary, go to the temple, continue studying the scriptures? "Hermana Nichols, God expects you to ensure your salvation, and the way you do that is by making covenants. Isn't there a covenant you still haven't made?" My mission president was never one for beating around the bush. My final interview with President Kahnlein was one of the highlights of my mission. It felt like an extension of my patriarchal blessing and, like every other experience throughout my mission, it taught me how aware the Lord was of me as His daughter.
       Rewinding back 18 months, I never thought President Kahnlein would be pointing me back in Chris' direction. Chris had returned home from Brazil during the Summer where we quickly realized single life wasn't really our thing. Date nights became more frequent and it became more and more difficult to spend time away from each other. We finally came around to the topic of marriage and decided to fast and pray separately to see whether or not that was the direction the Lord wanted us to head toward. I fasted into Sunday, trying to be extra sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I remember praying about Chris and a line from my patriarchal blessing came running through my mind. Paraphrasing, it says that I should select a companion who loves the Lord. It's simple but it came powerfully to my mind. I knew Chris loved his Heavenly Father and that living the gospel was his top priority. So in my mind, that was my answer. A few days later Chris and I talked about our fasts. While I was confident in my answer and the direction we were going, Chris felt differently. He felt like the answer he received was telling him that now wasn't the right time. We ended up breaking up and I was in complete shock. I started questioning whether or not I really understood how to receive revelation and over analyzing the peace I felt when I prayed about Chris. I couldn't understand why we received two different answers leading us in opposite directions.
       After drowning my sorrows in Dr. Pepper and Oreos for a couple weeks, I continued praying to know what God wanted from me. I asked Him what I needed to do with my life and I what I needed to change. The answer came only a few days later.

 "I am pleased to announce that worthy able young women may now begin their missionary service at age 19..We welcome your service."

       In a matter of seconds my life changed completely. I started seriously praying about whether or not I should go. I wanted to, but not just because I wasn't getting married. I wanted to serve because I knew what a mission meant to my dad and my brother. I saw what an impact it made on both of them and the love they developed for their areas of service and the people they were with. I wanted that. Most of all, I wanted to help people change. I prayed and again received a distinct thought from the Spirit; "If you serve, you have to be okay with letting Chris go." I thought a lot about that. I knew there was a good chance Chris would be married and well moved on by the time I got home, and I had to know that if I was going to serve the Lord, I needed to leave all other personal things at home. I submitted my papers, knowing that maybe Chris and I just weren't supposed to be together. He came to my farewell, told me good luck and hugged me goodbye. As I watched him walk away (this is so dramatic, I know.) I wondered where he would be 18 months from then. 

       I reported to the MTC three days later and became completely obsessed with my mission. I embraced the culture, the people were incredibly easy to love, and I was completely focused on the Lord's work. It was exactly how I wanted to spend my mission. Almost at my year mark, I was in Agua Santa with one of my dearest companions Hermana Nunez. We spent three transfers together (almost five months) and grew incredibly close. During a p-day as we were writing our families, a familiar name popped into my inbox. After almost a year of silence, Chris checked in. On the verge of screaming/running around the internet cafe, Hermana Nunez and I copied and pasted the email into Google translator so she could understand what the letter said. Of course, Google is never accurate and the letter didn't make any sense. I finally translated every line back to my companion and we squealed through the entire thing. Without saying a lot, I knew Chris was still there and that he valued our friendship.

       Weekly letters were such a blessing and I loved gaining insights from his experiences. Letters were always centered on the work, his callings, my investigators, and how we were trying to improve that week. He definitely held me accountable to trying to change and applying new gospel principles. He was helping me be better, which is exactly why I was so drawn to him in the beginning. Before we knew it, 18 months was up and it was time for me to go home.

       I knew that Chris was home and that some big and important decisions needed to be made. I started remembering his prompting from the spirit to wait, and wondered if my answer I received almost two years earlier could still have been right. As I walked into President's office, I had a lot on my mind. After finally admitting that I knew the Lord expected me to go and find a husband when I got home, President taught me a vital principle. I told him all about Chris and our history. I told him I thought I loved him and that he very well could be the man that takes me to the temple. But I also said I did NOT want to be "that girl" who gets married virtually immediately after coming home. I wanted to take things slow. President Kahnlein has a funny way of dealing with stubborn personalities. "Hermana Nichols, do you know what it means to do things in the Lord's time?" "Sure," I said. "It means we need to be patient and wait on His timeline." "Well, that's half of it. Let's see if I can explain it in a way you'll understand. How many times did you invite investigators to be baptized on the first lesson?" I told him that it happened every day. When the Spirit prompts you to invite someone to follow Jesus Christ, it is really difficult to ignore. "And how did you feel when the investigator said no to that invitation?" It was really hard. I hated seeing people turn down the opportunity to follow their Savior, especially when the Spirit was prompting them to move forward. "Hermana Nichols, the Lord is hastening His work. Often, the Lord needs us to act and move forward promptly and quickly. Doing things in the Lord's time means we wait when He tells us to wait, and to act when He tells us to act. Do you understand?" I started to catch on. "If the Lord prompts you through the Spirit to marry Chris and you retreat, that is a form of disobedience. Hasn't your mission taught you to be obedient, especially to the promptings of the Holy Ghost?" Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the power and wisdom of President Kahnlein. 

       I went home with a lot of determination to figure out what direction Chris and I needed to take, and those answers came quick. I started to remember my patriarchal blessing advising me to find someone who loves the Lord. Chris and I talked a lot about how difficult it was to accept the answer to simply wait. He said it was a prompting he really didn't understand until he was prompted again by the Spirit (and his sweet mama) to write me. I started to see clearly that Chris loved me then, but He loved the Lord more. He wanted to do what was right, and that meant waiting. Seeing Chris and his willingness to do the Lord's will, no matter what it required, showed me that he truly loved Him. We were engaged a month after I returned home and sealed four months later in the Salt Lake City Temple.

       There's a scripture in the New Testament in first John that says "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18) When I saw how much Chris loved the Lord, I wasn't nervous about taking those significant steps anymore. It took my fear away. I remember the stake president asking Chris if he loved me more than anyone else and Chris promptly said "Nope!" (Ouch...) He was quick to add, "But she's a close second." I love that Chris loves God more than he loves me. It's the way it should be. The perfect love we have for the Lord has made our marriage a sacred experience and has made difficult decisions a lot easier. As we've continued trying to put our faith in the Savior and the plan He's outlined for our lives, we have never been led to anything short of a downpour of blessings. Here's to eternity!